bliss.giggles.sweetly

Bliss can overflow from one to another

tickling noses and pin-pricking.

Bliss laughs it's way around a room

making giddy little knots all over

that can only ever be giggled,

stretched, hugged or smooched out.

Bliss can lead you astray from dogged

drudgery painting a path in your life.

Bliss waits for no-one and beckons

by tugging your shirt-collar incessantly

pulling toward your inner magnificence,

bright, shiny, and full of dreams.

Bliss wants what's best for the world

and what's best for the earth is you.

bliss knows best and bliss knows true

the deepest and holiest place inside

that beats fiercely for happiness,

comfort, hope and life; follow it.

Russet.smoothie

Life’s been running like a roller-coaster lately; hard, fast, topsy-turvey and steel everywhere. I’m on some sort of Mr. Toad’s wild ride where the turns come so quick, I can’t tell what’s around the bend but it doesn’t stop it from coming… not by a long shot.
I feel as though I’m finally starting to come into my own, like the Universe said, “Well guys, she’s ready. Let’s throw her some LIFE!” and BLAMMO!

It’s been a long time since, I’ve been this happy with my life, my creativity, my friends and this whole crazy nutshell kind of world…
On a side note: I am making smoothies and they are SO incredibly delicious!

A couple of my favorite people, Happy and Maquette are getting married on July 4th; they’re having a Victorian Steampunk wedding… How cool is that? I’m still trying to figure out what in the world I’m going to wear, I’m sure I’ll think of something just right. They are the first of my good friends to get married and I am so excited for them! It’s also (obviously) got all kinds of thoughts swimming around in my head like, “What kind of wedding would I like to have someday?” and “Am I really such a silly girl as all that?”

Turns out, I am. I am just as silly, goofy, romantic, tee-hee-hee as the rest of them. Also bad-ass. Always also bad-ass, but I suppose that doesn’t come out as much when is mushy girlie situations.

I’m going to go eat my delicious lunch now: Hefeweisen pork sausage with grilled onions, sauerkraut, horseradish (I am a good Rusyn girl) and grilled rosemary russet potatoes…. and peach, berry, banana SMOOTHIE!

To be Home Again, So Soft in my Bed

06.25.09

I arrived in Eugene the morning before last, driven down from Portland by a gregarious photographer named, Van. Seemingly appropriate, I appropriated a ride from Van on Craigslist… gotta love that rideshare. We talked the two hours down in amicable discussion and am pleased to report that I got my first paid photo-shoot ever… Thanks Van!

We turned onto Nectar Way, pulled into a long driveway and met Mr. Michel Savage of Grey Forest– who has requisitioned me to model for this Sci-Fi project he’s working on called, Hellbot. His studio is cozy, the grounds are green forests and I almost expect to see precocious little faeriebugs peeking above every leaf and zipping through the branches. I was rather apprehensive about posing nude so he could transform me into some faerie or other, but relaxed into the process… kinda? I believe I’ll be either a red pixie sprite or some sort of dryad by the time I’m done. I felt a little awkward posing, not that I’m all that self-conscious or anything… It’s just that I went to a tanning booth to even out my tan lines for the shoot…
The first time went fine, everything was a little smoother. The second time (two days later) wasn’t so fortunate, I came out of the booth pleased with my 14 minutes of radiant meditation, pleased as pink to be traveling the next day for a photoshoot… Until I sat down a couple hours later and realized that my bum was a little ouch. One glance in the mirror revealed a bottom as rosy red as a baboons’ ass! It looked like I’d been a very naughty girl and someone had spanked me magenta with a large paddle… Not so great for the happy frolicking faerie.
That was my inspiration for a fire pixie, I thought maybe he can just turn all of me red; a crimson pixie with a pissed off attitude who is in no mood for more spankings! After photoshoot (he’ll “paint” them later, the pictures are for reference) and dinner, we took a dip in the hot-tub which further (momentarily) inflamed my already bright buttocks. We watched, Silent Hill which was an interesting horror movie, I found out from my friend, Alain the next day that it was adapted from a video game.

In the morning I had a bagel, soaked in the hot-tub and got some more reading done. I’m reading Atlas Shrugged and I’m not sure that it’s nearly as bad as my best friend thinks it is, but we’re all entitled to our own opinions. On the other hand, I am not yet half-way through, so there is plenty of time for me to become frustrated to the point of pelting the book across the room when I finish (like Tabitha).
Day two involved shooting for the Sci-Fi project he’s working on called, Hellbot. It’s about some scavenger chick flying through the universe in the hunk o’ junk spaceship her daddy gave her. She hears rumors of a belly-up settlement planet who’s terraforming went berserk and turned the whole thing to dust… er… sand, like Arrakis, Tattoine, the Sahara… desert. So she hops out of her ship and goes searching for sweet, sweet H2O.
Through unfortunate circumstance she’s knocked out and left stranded in the middle of the desert, far away from her ship and without her guns, or any scrap of clothing. Our naked heroine journeys across the sand-dunes, finds an abandoned building and a scrap of fabric that she secures around her person, meets a friendly droid and sees some weird shit… To be continued.
So, the goal here was getting some epic shots that he can later super-impose against a desert background and make me look all bad-ass sci-fi babe looking for a little clothed comfort.

I ate salad, watched some Jim Henson’s Storyteller stories and generally chilled out the rest of the day, in anticipation of getting to see some sweet pictures once they’re all colored-me-pretty. Now we’re off to do a little photoshoot for a local jeweler in Eugene, meet up with my ride and head on out!

by: Michel Savage

In closing, I would like to state that I miss my boyfriend more than I thought I would and am super-stoked to see him again on Sunday night so we can cuddle up all sweet and happy… mmmmmm happy cuddletime!
Also, I kinda miss the little doggy pooches with whom I live. Oscar and Willie may be very silly dogs, but they are sweet and I would very much like to take them on a long walk.

I see, I say, my friends, what a day!

I have a confession to make: I almost completely forgot about my blog… It has been floating around in the murky waters of my guilty subconcious for the past two months or so. ..

HOLD ON A MINUTE… THIS IS REALLY PISSING ME OFF, let me explain: I have tried many times now to use the apostrophe button on my keyboard and EVERY FUCKING time I touch it, some pain in the ass “quickfind” bar POPS up on the bottom of my window! This is really irritating!

Figures that I remember my blog only to have my experience destroyed by some quirk in modern technology that is supposed to (no doubt) make my life easier.

I do NOT want quickfind. I signed up for no quickfind. Turn off the FUCKING quickfind!!!

As I was saying: Have performances with Cosmic Lee (there is supposed to be an apostraphe here)s Intergalactic Traveling Show.

Have Open Mic Night (Myriad Monday) every monday at ten pm at Bar XV in downtown Portland.

Almost had art show, the owner of Berbati fell ill and his daughter was oh-so-stressed so Tabitha and my art show for June is no more.

Have boy… er… man… er One stupendous GUY! His name is Graham and we have been dating for two months now. As I would really like to NOT jinx this one, I am now shutting up. Be warned, he is AWESOME! … Come to think of it, he is also probably one very large reason that I have not been writing so much as of late. I write less when I am happy. Notice the absence of apostrophies in my oh so correct english.

POOP ON YOU QUICKFIND!

peace,

I am out!

broken.dreams

04.16.09

I’m so very tired of broken dreams

helpless as they fall away into a million pieces

and I watch them break down with me

to sink into that nothing I know so well

I remember my only nightmare

wherein my teeth crumble inside my mouth

I spend the whole night spitting

broken bits into my hand like gravel

This time it’s my life that scares me so

my job, apartment, happiness and confidence

shattered into a million tiny pieces

with every other tooth in America’s Shit-eating grin.

Valentine.peach.fuzz

02.14.09

It’s not that I’m bitter, really.
Just a little sad, kinda blurry around the edges.
I’m the embodiment of Monet’s painting
as I fade around and into my day

Waking life and walking dream
for this moment I emulate peach fuzz,
not to be told where it begins or ends
but sweet beneath, juicy soul.

To ripen in the sun once more
Cast aside Saint Valentine’s cloudy shackles
resurrect into sunshine this gloom
I will burst into linten faeries.

Drifting here and there, soft haze
will dance light until people sneeze full of me
spreading blessings contagion
we will all melt together today.

Oh! Those Blues that Swirl in my Head

01.30.09

I’ve reached another one of those low points in my life. I’ve been trying like hell to break this cycle for years now… somewhere around 8 years. hmmm… Doesn’t seem to get any easier, really. I’m lost, confused, I feel like I am incapable of making correct decisions or managing my life. Precipice. That’s a good word for these times. Teetering. It seems to me that when things get very hard and I think that the universe is going to throw me a bone at any moment, they get worse. More difficult. I’m trying so very hard to let go of my ego. I thought I’d demolished it pretty well, but I still cling to things like a drowning rat escaping a leaky ship. Glub, glub, glub.

I cling to comfort, I cling to what I believe I should be doing; which is funny because I feel incapable of making decisions and I don’t have any idea what should be doing is. I find myself directed solely by gut reaction and aversion to things I feel are “beneath” my talents. I feel some warped sense of justification in that I’ve been playing with bottom-feeder jobs for 9 years now, and… Haven’t I paid my dues?” Guess not. I feel incapable of taking myself seriously or taking anything else seriously because right now I just can’t see the bright top of this very small, but oh so deep hole that I’ve dug for myself.
Oh, what a hole. I want to be independent but it seems that the more I strive toward independence, the more I find myself dependent on others. I want to be part of a collective, I want to be part of a whole. I want to inspire people and help them smile. I want to be that source of sunshine that so many people have come to think of when they imagine me. Do they spend days crying too? Wallowing in self-pity when they know it’s the worst thing for them at that moment? Maybe I’m just trying to get it all out so I can move on. Because I certainly need to move on.
But my head is so fuzzy with seemingly conflicting bits of information, it’s a data storm up there and all I see are colors standing out and overlapping, blending into dusty greys and weirdest off-beat browns. There’s blue in there too, a veritable ocean of deep blues, that calm and confuse my reds. Funny also that I have two distinct colors in my head that swarm around but never mix to purple… Well, they are now. I suppose I should be thankful at least, for this oh so vivid imagination that conjures images with the slightest protuberance.
If only I could sit back all day long and look at the pretty colors in my head. The goal, I suspect, is to take all those colors and unleash them on the world in varying shades of compassion and love. I can do that, I think… With a little bit of that underrated motivation…

MOTIVATE ME SELF MOTIVATE!

GO!

Smells Like Change

I smell it in the air, a deep earthy base wafting through shades of spring green, ever luminent in inevitable springtime glee. A change is comin’ a Big ol’ whirlin sorta change that blows the dust out from under the rug, the kinda change could make a person think. Well hell, I’m thinkin’ already. Thinkin’ on just how much change could fill such a big distance as I see agapin’ right in front of me.
I stand in front of an empty horizon, armed with my creativity, intelligence and most importantly love. I’ve got enough love to fill that canyon right ahead, fill it to overflowing into starshine, I will… Agape. A love so big that you feel it for everything because your so grateful just to be here, in this moment, the one that matters….
Because all moments matter and I found my cajones. They were a little harder for me to locate than others, I reckon. Seein as how I’m part of the sweeter sex of womanfolk who were blessed by sweet God with peepee on the inside. Back down south in the soul slingin’ Sonoran desert, cajones is what you pacnorth people call balls. Gumption.

Well, I’m not afraid of fallin’ anymore ’cause I think I’ve just about hit the bottom enough in my life to have developed one tough ass. And this ass is not going to not do something because she’s afraid it won’t work. Or worse, that it will. I strapped my carpenter’s hammer on the other day and after spending a lot of time tearin’ shit down, I’m gonna build something. I’m going to build something true and beautiful and happy, I’m gonna build myself a life.
I’m workin’ on doin’ what I’ve been talkin’ about for years now. Doin’ something I love all the way down to my bleached red in the desert sun bones- I’m gonna get myself an art show…. tee hee heeeeee! I’m goin’ on auditions. I got myself two photoshoots comin’ up. I’m part of a performing comedy troupe (Cosmic Lee’s Intergalactic Traveling Show) and I got me an open mic night (Bar XV every monday).
My well-defined nose is positioned way up in the air to sniff me out some opportunity and not because I’ve got rent to pay (ouch) but because I just want to do what I do well. I want to utilize the gifts the maker gave me to fill the space in this world that’s waitin’ just for me. I’ve been workin’ on it for 25 years now and those colored pencils were fun and all, but I’m bringing out the acrylics to now… So I can finally have something to share with the world and all those brilliant people that I’m fortunate enough to have met and love so much!

Ohm Party Shuffle

01.05.09

“Let’s do it, let’s fall in love.” So my silly coy little pc sets soul snippets sauntering through the air, baa ba bee do ba dee doo aaah… Singing with Ella I am offered profound advice pertaining to exactly what situation is relevant in my time of writing and I thank my little electronic beastie, so wise in the ways of shuffle.
Ode to itunes, I say! Sweet perfector of mood and tone, map my vibes today and bless them with highest attitudinal bliss to carry me through my daily meanderings. For to you and you alone do I offer in safekeeping, my melodious tome… ohm party shuffle ohm.

A Qualifying Statement

Written: 05.11.08

Who am I to summarize epochs? What studious accomplishments lend credence to my musings? How could I possibly assume that my opinions hold a modicum of gravity? Others ask me where I get my information, where I read something or how I came across this or that school of thought. My usual response is something along the lines of, “Well… um… I don’t really recall… It… ah… just sort of seems to make sense in my head.”

Usually that works. Sometimes, however, people require qualifying statements, are not able to readily accept original thought. I don’t understand why I must have read something in order for it to be true. Why can’t I just glean from my experience and what I see all around me? Isn’t it a truer path to let the cosmos teach you directly rather than to absorb, second-hand through someone else’s studies?
People do not see. They look for goggles of knowledge that others have made instead of using the true-blue crystal sight gifted them by our innate nature.

Do not ask for my opinion and expect me to quote the tried and true philosophers or intellectuals of any time; expectations are a hotbed for disillusionment and shattered dreams. I will disappoint you. I will not wear your glasses; I will see with my eyes what this world would have me see, naked, cut and utterly intertwined. I will feel what I see, think upon what moves me, and respond unadulterated unfiltered actuality.

I would have you see like you; perceive and fully realize the sallow, abundant, awe-inspiring, gut wrenching, odious grandeur in the minutest tidbits of life. Your cognoscence subconsciously sifts all facets of the world around you, absorbing information and methodically gathering relevance in every shade of the rainbow. The world paints lenses for your ocular accoutrement, a second skin, auditory amplifiers and personal sensory perception with which to view your life.
Somewhere amongst each of our independent and veracious sights our thoughts coalesce into a mandala of all-inclusive and ever-encompassing knowing. With all our individual assessments pulling from the same deep well, how can one not glean universal truths through open perception and reflection on what is experienced? How are not each of us Socrates, Freud or Gandhi?

My Wide-Eyed Dream

written:02.09.07

My Wide-Eyed Dream is for happiness, and harmony in love. The earth, cosmos, sentient life, planetary bodies, elements, universes, thoughts… Basically for everything to exist in gentle equilibrium.

I dream for everything that has been, is and could be. Together.
How many ways can I say the same thing?
Infinite.

I’ve dreamed of celebrations, far-off places, different races, people with no faces. When my reality is chased away, dreamy visions of night-times stay.
The way things reflect in me is more than I ever thought I’d see.
To see with my eyes, to fully realize the potential of each soul’s potent portal to transverse, immerse and converse with infinity about our infinite reality and ability to BE.

Be what you are, an ever-shooting star.
Reach for the furthest sights with your site dead-on, akin to a very ancient rite.
I write to cite my imagery and open-ness, my soul to see the light.

Alight, I burn to smoldered senses. I need to know you know we’re all part of this sacred dance, of this I chant enchanting rant not to be defiant or polite.
But police yourself to share your wealth if it’s monetary, monastic, moralistic, artistic, athletic, poetic, rhetoric, I’m for it!
Because I know we all feel the need to bleed for our cause and expound our flaws. Flawlessly convert alert to inert.

Inertial fantasy believes in me to conceive the weave of time spinning on a dime in the center of the galaxy of my mind in this rhyme of that kind of menagerie of all those inside of me inside of you of the other, each other, together we weather the course of our wide-eyed dreams.