Abs, Jobs and Dirty SIN

I feel great! About two weeks ago I started doing ab workouts. Some of you may think, "But why? You are so skinny! Why would you ever think you have a pooch?" Well, I do have a pooch. It's right there between my abdomen and my secret spots and I don't like it at all. When you are used to having the flattest and strongest tummy in the neighborhood, any little bit of flub is abhorrent; truly grotesque and absolutely out of place- the paunch must go! If you were used to being like a telephone pole, and then realized you looked more like a phone booth in the middle- all weirdly sticking out of place, you'd be offended too.

Two weeks ago I got completely fed up and got off my ass to change this parasitic growth in my mid-section. When I get out of bed, I do 25 crunches and then 10 leg lifts, every other day I do 25 crunches, 10 leg-lifts, then another 25 crunches, another 10 leg lifts and finish it all of with- yep, 25 more crunches. That's 95 thingies.

I am inching my way to a flatter belly and it feels goooooood, and painful. But it is gooooooood pain, it's all that flubby foreign blubber melting away. I was so sore this morning, but then I took a long bath with epsom salts and now I am Wonder Woman and I can take on the entire world! All of you, come get it, I'm on FIRE!

In other news, I am very productive. Because I need some medical work, but have no job or money I have been cutting through red tape with the ferocity of a wolverine in heat. Snip! Snap! Watch the Red Tape of government funding flitter away like so many ribbons in the wind- it's a beautiful sight.

I have also gotten thoroughly sick of not having a job... Straight up ill. I have been patient, I have felt oh so sorry for myself and let my friends coddle me against my better judgement. "Oh! The economy is so hard! It's a rough market out there! It's not your fault!" LIARS!

It is completely my fault. 100% my fault for letting all this bullshit economy get to me and allowing myself to wallow in freakish self-pity for an entire winter (I do have to admit that the winter blues are very real to my desert-sunshine soul). BOO on me! Boo! Three Years Ago Me would not have let such a piddly thing as a rock-bottom economy get in my way.

I shove my middle finger in the face of adversity... Fuck you adversity! You're my bitch! I will not take no for an answer, I am applying for every job with a vengeance! I'm applying for foodservice, retail, secretarial and even janitorial work. I do not care, I will have a job and I will make Benjamins. I will have lots of green $20 bills wafting around like bees in my hive. All the monies will belong to me!!! And I will share, I will make so many delicious dinners for my friends with all that dough and it will be delicious because it will be MY money that I EARNED.

I am rampant, courageous and foaming at the mouth with inspiration, motivation and happiness.

I also vow to be more responsible with all that green coming my way. I will not go to the bars and spend $60 every Friday on drinks for myself and the masses- no, sirree. I will not frivolously spend $350 on groceries- actually, that's probably the first thing I will do. I retract that statement and I fully intend to spend ridiculous amounts of money on delicious food to cook for everyone. But I will not buy cigarettes- they are too costly and bad for me. I will not spend money on my own demise.

I will buy more herbs to smoke- like mullein and coltsfoot, damiana and lobelia. I have done much research on delicious herbs that you can smoke and actually heal the damage done to your lungs from years of smoking... More on that later, it's a blog all unto itself.

I am realizing that this entry is now very long, it would be superfluous were it not for my love of dynamic language. Take that, short-hand! I will express myself fully and care not who reads my dribble. I am writing this for me, not you.

Acting in one's own best interest is not selfish, it is smart. Being a doormat and giving everything for others who could care less is a sin that I intend to wash away. I will still be kind, gracious, helpful, grateful and generous, but I will no longer be stupid.

Ok, I'm done now.

Lots of love for everyone! :)

Pack it up, pack it in, let me begin...

03.16.09

I have not been living in the luxurious (ha!) Western Rooms apartments for an entire month now.

I almost miss living above the three most fantastic bars in downtown Portland. I really miss my cozy little cave in the sky. I miss my kitchen OH so much, it is packed away in boxes half at one house and half in another. I also miss my wall-hangings and altar, the books, the mass of creativity immediately available to my curious fingers in my little art-nook. I have been staying at a friend’s house and as they are so gracious for letting me use their couch- I have no real complaints.

I’ve been working so hard toward unemployment that the not receiving such and still no job has been pretty brutal on my happy-go-lucky psyche. I was talking to my father in tears over said situation and he says to me, “Are you still on birth-control? I think you should stop that because it is making you overly emotional.” POO on that, I say. I have let my parental unit know that the anti-baby medication really has nothing to do with it. Also, I seem to be dealing with things pretty well, given circumstance and I am absolutely allowed to break down and cry during said time of change…. so take that!

p.s. I did taxes. I will get monies back, which can be used to rent a room in a lovely communal housing arrangement. So, if anybody out there would like to rent a room to this wonderfully qualified (did I mention I love to cook?), vivacious and generally happy-go-lucky person (me!)… both of my friends will be eternally grateful and momentarily indebted to your oh-so-kind soul.

broken.dreams

04.16.09

I’m so very tired of broken dreams

helpless as they fall away into a million pieces

and I watch them break down with me

to sink into that nothing I know so well

I remember my only nightmare

wherein my teeth crumble inside my mouth

I spend the whole night spitting

broken bits into my hand like gravel

This time it’s my life that scares me so

my job, apartment, happiness and confidence

shattered into a million tiny pieces

with every other tooth in America’s Shit-eating grin.