Hazy Visage

My Lonely, Invisible, Dream

06.16.09

Yesterday was really rough… I’m not sure why exactly, I mean, I suppose I have my reasons but my reasons make me feel like I’m self-centered or wallowing in my own little self-pity party. But I suppose everyone needs the allowance of understanding sometimes, even from oneself.

I’ve been feeling a little lonely lately, disappointed in my friends. I found a guy (G) and it was a nice transition with minimal “No, I can’t do that tonights.” It seems that without really doing anything myself, I’ve been labeled by my friends as… In boyfriend land. Which has resulted in so many less invitations to go do stuff. Now, I do spend a fair amount of time with the G, but not enough to warrant being brushed off by those dear to me. It makes me really sad and I spent so much of yesterday on the verge of tears alone in my house while my G was at work and I felt so ignored.

I think part of this comes from the fact that I had so very few friends growing up. Being raised by wandering hippies, I didn’t spend a whole year in the same school from 2nd until 8th grade. That’s six years of going to at least 2, sometimes 4 schools a year. I did not have time to make friends. Additionally, I was raised by hippies, always the, “new girl” and relentlessly teased by my classmates. They’d sometimes spend an entire recess chasing me around the schoolyard, calling me names and throwing things at me. I learned to run really fast as a little girl!

Last night I had a bad dream. It started off well enough, battling forces of evil and whatnot- that’s what I usually do in my dreams, save people; this would probably be my Messiah Complex acting up, but that’s a story for another day which probably (coincidentally) coincides with me being picked on all the time growing up.

Anyhoo, I was riding around the park/bar with a my best friend, two other ladies and some guy and we were all talking to eachother… kinda. More like they were all talking and I was being ignored. They’d say something and I’d have a response to contribute and they’d just kinda look at me and then continue on with whatever it was they were talking about. At one point, I had some glorious pearl of a little story that related so well with what they were discussing and I tried to tell them. Every time I’d only get the first sentence out before they’d start talking over me again and I was seemingly invisible.

–Note: Seemingly invisible is bad for a Leo… There are few worse things for such natural borne leaders/gregarious types than to feel completely ignored… Seriously, just about the worst thing ever.

To continue, this happened about four times, me trying to join my friends in conversation and each time, them going on about their business without me. I got exceedingly frustrated, got out of the cart without anybody noticing and went to our favorite bar in the park on this series of patios surrounded by lush greenery. One side of the main patio ended in a wall of lustrous hanging vines with leaves and soft flowers, it was an amazing sight. Cornering the wall of foliage, was a bar that ran the length of the Patio and it seems that we were regulars there. Adjoining the aforementioned patio was a smaller one a couple steps down, with a little table.

The trio, my best friend and some guy got there just behind me, clamored out of the golf-cart looking car-amajig and proceeded to the bar, where there was a photographer waiting for all of us to do a photo-shoot. Well, It turns out I was invisible again because the photographer collected them all up, dressed them in such pretty clothes and started shooting everyone except me. I went up to try and make my presence known but they just gave me dirty looks and ignored me again.

Feeling slighted yet again, I figured I’d just go home when I ran into a friend from my comedy troupe. He was pretty busy, but had the time to chat with me a little on my way off and that helped me feel a little better, but I was till deeply hurt by the mean looks and uncaring behavior of my best friend.

When I woke up this morning I curled up into my lover’s arms and recounted to him my dream. “Looks like your dealing with some friend issues.” I look up, wide-eyed and still a little sleepy, moan a, “yeeeaahh.” and nestled into his warmth again.

With all the acquaintances and friends I’ve made since I got out of high school I sometimes forget that I was a very lonely little girl. She’s still there inside and sometimes she comes out and I spend a day crying for her. Mostly I am writing this so she’ll leave me alone (how ironic) today and I can just sit and paint and be productive without feeling that (unwarranted?) sense of self pity.

So guys and gals, oh friends of mine- I just want to let you know that you’re really important to me and I very much love you…

broken.dreams

04.16.09

I’m so very tired of broken dreams

helpless as they fall away into a million pieces

and I watch them break down with me

to sink into that nothing I know so well

I remember my only nightmare

wherein my teeth crumble inside my mouth

I spend the whole night spitting

broken bits into my hand like gravel

This time it’s my life that scares me so

my job, apartment, happiness and confidence

shattered into a million tiny pieces

with every other tooth in America’s Shit-eating grin.

Valentine.peach.fuzz

02.14.09

It’s not that I’m bitter, really.
Just a little sad, kinda blurry around the edges.
I’m the embodiment of Monet’s painting
as I fade around and into my day

Waking life and walking dream
for this moment I emulate peach fuzz,
not to be told where it begins or ends
but sweet beneath, juicy soul.

To ripen in the sun once more
Cast aside Saint Valentine’s cloudy shackles
resurrect into sunshine this gloom
I will burst into linten faeries.

Drifting here and there, soft haze
will dance light until people sneeze full of me
spreading blessings contagion
we will all melt together today.

Unrepugnant Dreams

01.25.09

The smoke still burns
little wisps floating
through the air
fascinate each other
dancing vibrant streams
melting through time.

Cordially uncoordinated
avatar daze
hazes beyond cardinal
melancholic aftermath.

This Saturnine relation
of fiberglass integration
speaks arias searing
pure crystal clear
hopes and unrepugnant dreams.

Not Enough Pillows

This is my children's story :) My friend is illustrating it. Maybe you'll be able to buy it in a shop soonish...

Bunch, pat, poke and fluff! No matter how Laralee squished her only pillow, it just wasn’t right. She did NOT have enough pillows to help her sleep tonight. After wrestling with her blankets, trying to make them round, Laralee gave up and put on a frown. Slowly rumbling, tumbling around, she knocked her pillow under her bed. Stretching, reaching and squirming, she fell underneath. Fell and fell going down, down, down, she wondered where she would land until…

Plop! She found herself in a very big cave on top of an even bigger pile of pillows. Big ones, small ones, striped, spotted and paisley, she had never seen so many pillows in her life! “I wonder who is the lucky person that has all these lovely pillows? Surely they would not mind if I just took a couple.” Laralee grabbed two beautiful pillows, one purple like the sunset and another as white and fluffy as her kitty named Cloud.

Laralee climbed down the mountain and when she reached the bottom, she saw a glowing silver path winding in-between hills and mountains of more pillows than she had ever dreamed of. “Since this is the only path, it must lead home!” Laralee said aloud into the dim light.

Laralee suddenly found herself surrounded by guards and each one of them wore armor made of pillows. One was pink from head to toe, one was red, another was blue, and another green, but each and every one of them looked very, very mean. “Arrest that girl! She’s a thief, stealing from the prince!” The guards took away Laralee’s pillows, one purple and one white and dragged her off into the night.

After walking for what seemed like forever, the guards brought her in front of Prince James. He was just a little bit older than Laralee and definitely in charge. The guards told him how they caught the little girl stealing his precious pillows. Laralee spoke up, “I did not know they belonged to you, I just could not sleep and only took two…” “Silence!” yelled the prince, “You must be punished!” Laralee began to cry and told Prince James how she had fallen from under her bed.

The prince was very curious and asked her all about her home and friends in the land above. “I live in a big house with my dad and my cat, Cloud. I have a bunch of friends and we like to play games.” The prince asked Laralee what kind of games she played and if she would teach him some. “In the Land of Pillows,” Prince James said, “there is a lot of sleep and naps and stories, but not so many games and I get lonely and bored.” Laralee agreed to teach the prince as many games as she knew and followed him to his back yard. Laralee taught him how to play Hopscotch and Tag, she taught him how to play Rock, Paper Scissors and Ring Around The Rosey. They had so much fun that even the guards played with them!

At the end of the night Prince James had so much fun that he told Laralee that if she played King of the Mountain with him, she could go home and have as many pillows as she wants. The guards took Laralee and the prince to the big mountain of pillows that she had fallen on when she first got there. “I have always wanted to play, but I never knew how. If I win this game then I will finally be a King and a prince no more,” said Prince James. In no time at all Prince James was on top of the mountain, throwing pillows down at everyone and no-one else could touch him. Laralee looked up at prince and bowed beautifully, “You win. I now declare you King of the Mountain and King James of the land of pillows!”

After all those games, Laralee was very tired and she yawned and yawned; “May I please go home now, King James? I am sleepy and I do not want my daddy to worry about me.” James gave Laralee a big hug and told her, “If you ever want to come play games with me again, you are welcome to visit any time you like.”

Laralee made a very soft bed on her two favorite pillows. One was as purple as the sunset; and the other was white and fluffy, just like her cat, Cloud. Soon she fell up into a very peaceful sleep.

As Laralee woke up and rubbed the sleepy from her eyes, she remembered a land of pillows, many-colored guards and a prince who is now a King. “It must have all been a dream.” she thought to herself. When Laralee hopped out of bed, she was surprised to her pillows on the floor, one purple and one white, with her kitty, Cloud sleeping right on top. It must not have been a dream after-all!

My Wide-Eyed Dream

written:02.09.07

My Wide-Eyed Dream is for happiness, and harmony in love. The earth, cosmos, sentient life, planetary bodies, elements, universes, thoughts… Basically for everything to exist in gentle equilibrium.

I dream for everything that has been, is and could be. Together.
How many ways can I say the same thing?
Infinite.

I’ve dreamed of celebrations, far-off places, different races, people with no faces. When my reality is chased away, dreamy visions of night-times stay.
The way things reflect in me is more than I ever thought I’d see.
To see with my eyes, to fully realize the potential of each soul’s potent portal to transverse, immerse and converse with infinity about our infinite reality and ability to BE.

Be what you are, an ever-shooting star.
Reach for the furthest sights with your site dead-on, akin to a very ancient rite.
I write to cite my imagery and open-ness, my soul to see the light.

Alight, I burn to smoldered senses. I need to know you know we’re all part of this sacred dance, of this I chant enchanting rant not to be defiant or polite.
But police yourself to share your wealth if it’s monetary, monastic, moralistic, artistic, athletic, poetic, rhetoric, I’m for it!
Because I know we all feel the need to bleed for our cause and expound our flaws. Flawlessly convert alert to inert.

Inertial fantasy believes in me to conceive the weave of time spinning on a dime in the center of the galaxy of my mind in this rhyme of that kind of menagerie of all those inside of me inside of you of the other, each other, together we weather the course of our wide-eyed dreams.