Last Night I Didn't Dance

Profound sadness seeps into everything I see, spotted with dots of happiness- faint, but piercing.
Bright stars coldly seen and burning hot, so far away.
I'm waiting for myself to come back to me and I wish I could dance with the multitudinous masses.
My feet stuck firm to the ground and I'm paralyzed by tears falling in the face of trees.
To grow so strong, stretching ever upwards to catch joy pouring forth from a golden sun.

Slipping

Slipping, slipping, slipping away

I've felt it for months now

that gradual fade, "the end is nigh."

Slowly, softly, slipping away.

Hope fades as hot memories sting my cheeks and burrow down deeper than I knew.

There's a chasm inside wherein I hurl dead parts of myself to churn into something new and real.

I stand at the edge of the ravine and I throw in laziness and pain. I toss out lies and get a running start before drop-kicking pity down the well.

I tried to chuck my heartache over the edge...

Hearts are fickle, they seek out pleasure and pain alike. Hearts are sticky, bouncy things that ride on your sleeve and whisper sweet nothings. They roll around orbiting like so many planets in the sky- gravity and heavy and pushing pressure around every side.

I don't want to forget anything, I just wish I wouldn't remember every second so vividly. Every kiss fresh and hugs and words and cuddles and smiles and every happy second imprinted for eternity in a heart that I'd rather let be.

Slipping, slipping, slipping away

It's so hard to let go

when there's nothing to hold onto.

Slowly, softly, slipping away.

Cloudy Heads and Retail Dreams

Oh the stuff that is in my head, I feel all filled with soggy cotton!

In other news, I have had my wondrous boyfriend for over an entire year now. I could list all the ways that he is magnificent and absolutely the best guy, but that would take forever and so much typing that you would soon be sick of reading about how fabulous he is.

Suffice it to say, my boyfriend ROCKS!

Honestly, I'm writing right now because I am not home, but my art supplies are. I would like to make some artwork today, it has been months since I drew/painted anything worthwhile. Artistically, I feel a bit in the dumps. I have spent many hours of many days of many weeks on the hunt for an elusive job, so I am doing things with my time to be considered worthwhile... It's just not so satisfying. Also, feeling all bloosy about not having a job is not the best inspiration for creating art.

I understand creativity thriving in chaos and the tortured soul of the artist being inspired by all sorts of things going wrong in their life... The thing is, everything's just right enough to not move me toward any great work. Yes, I have no full-time, part-time job... But I get the occasional modeling gig, Go-Go dancing gig or treasure hunt. So, I have just enough. Feels like just enough to keep me in limbo and yet not enough to thrive...

I also understand I am probably whining all this out into inter-space because I am sick and feel like poopy. Super poopy.

S'okay. Maybe Bose will call me today and tell me I got the job selling kick-ass speakers... Or I'll get a ring from that super-cool toy store on Hawthorne and get to work there. I dream of a part-time retail job where I get to work with happy people. I want to merchandise, organize and count the drawer at the end of the day. I want to help people buy not entirely useful things and bring smiles to their faces. I am a retail goddess... put me to work!

(meanwhile, I will be sick today and hopefully paint something pretty)

Farewell, AlTab

My brother and sister who are not my relatives have left me. AlTab has moved to San Fransisco (That is Alain and Tabitha, they are a couple and I call them AlTab because Alain is a Ruby on Rails programming geek). Alain and I are like two little peas in a supernova, I say supernova because there's no way in creation we'd fit into a pod together. Both of us have very large personalities that don't fit well together in small, confined spaces. Regardless, he is like a brother unto me and I will miss him so much. Tabitha will be missed as well, she is cooler than thou, forever, in a very good way. If you read her blog, off.the.twig then you already know this. Good for you.
Let us all raise our glasses in celebration that their lives in San Fransisco will be amazing! **clink**

When I was a little girl I lived in SF with my father sometimes. It has always been and will continue to be my favorite city. If not my absolute favorite, then way up on the list. I will forever remember it through a golden glow of childhood recollection. I miss the Japanese Tea Garden (Portland's Japanese gardens have got nothin' on you) and rollerblading through Golden Gate Park. I miss that fabulous Italian restaurant my dad used to take me to... I ate so much fettuccini alfredo and never got sick- it is still my favorite Italian dish. Fried calamari too, so good!
I miss the place with amazing calzones and to die for gelato. I miss the thai restaurants that would always make me a dinner order of chicken sate and the sushi bars with all the boats floating around. Yes, SF is a fair city stuffed with gastronomic delights!
Sometimes I wish I had the money to properly explore all the amazing restaurants in Portland... But I'm such a good cook, I just can't seem to justify it.

My friend Chris made me some of the best fettuccini alfredo I have ever had in my life the other day. Thank you so much!

The job hunt is... going. I am working very hard to find a job. I go out on foot and plaster the town with resumes and I scour online. I have had many good interviews and it always seems to be between me and one or two other people and I am not the one who walks away with a paycheck in their foreseeable future. Aye me, sad days seem long!
This is ok. I am being productive and working on starting my own costume/clothing company in the meantime. I figured out what my #1 specialty is going to be... but I can't tell you because the idea is so good, it's a secret! When I make a couple prototypes and get them all patented or something then I will post up pictures.

I have been writing much hilarious comedy also, for Cosmic Lee's Intergalactic Traveling Show. I am a full-blown member, actress and writer extraordinaire for these interstellar entertainers. I bet you always thought I might be an alien. HA! you're right.

I should really write here more often, then each blog could have 1 topic and they would be shorter. I am sorry (not really) for offending the eyes with so many letters.

Abs, Jobs and Dirty SIN

I feel great! About two weeks ago I started doing ab workouts. Some of you may think, "But why? You are so skinny! Why would you ever think you have a pooch?" Well, I do have a pooch. It's right there between my abdomen and my secret spots and I don't like it at all. When you are used to having the flattest and strongest tummy in the neighborhood, any little bit of flub is abhorrent; truly grotesque and absolutely out of place- the paunch must go! If you were used to being like a telephone pole, and then realized you looked more like a phone booth in the middle- all weirdly sticking out of place, you'd be offended too.

Two weeks ago I got completely fed up and got off my ass to change this parasitic growth in my mid-section. When I get out of bed, I do 25 crunches and then 10 leg lifts, every other day I do 25 crunches, 10 leg-lifts, then another 25 crunches, another 10 leg lifts and finish it all of with- yep, 25 more crunches. That's 95 thingies.

I am inching my way to a flatter belly and it feels goooooood, and painful. But it is gooooooood pain, it's all that flubby foreign blubber melting away. I was so sore this morning, but then I took a long bath with epsom salts and now I am Wonder Woman and I can take on the entire world! All of you, come get it, I'm on FIRE!

In other news, I am very productive. Because I need some medical work, but have no job or money I have been cutting through red tape with the ferocity of a wolverine in heat. Snip! Snap! Watch the Red Tape of government funding flitter away like so many ribbons in the wind- it's a beautiful sight.

I have also gotten thoroughly sick of not having a job... Straight up ill. I have been patient, I have felt oh so sorry for myself and let my friends coddle me against my better judgement. "Oh! The economy is so hard! It's a rough market out there! It's not your fault!" LIARS!

It is completely my fault. 100% my fault for letting all this bullshit economy get to me and allowing myself to wallow in freakish self-pity for an entire winter (I do have to admit that the winter blues are very real to my desert-sunshine soul). BOO on me! Boo! Three Years Ago Me would not have let such a piddly thing as a rock-bottom economy get in my way.

I shove my middle finger in the face of adversity... Fuck you adversity! You're my bitch! I will not take no for an answer, I am applying for every job with a vengeance! I'm applying for foodservice, retail, secretarial and even janitorial work. I do not care, I will have a job and I will make Benjamins. I will have lots of green $20 bills wafting around like bees in my hive. All the monies will belong to me!!! And I will share, I will make so many delicious dinners for my friends with all that dough and it will be delicious because it will be MY money that I EARNED.

I am rampant, courageous and foaming at the mouth with inspiration, motivation and happiness.

I also vow to be more responsible with all that green coming my way. I will not go to the bars and spend $60 every Friday on drinks for myself and the masses- no, sirree. I will not frivolously spend $350 on groceries- actually, that's probably the first thing I will do. I retract that statement and I fully intend to spend ridiculous amounts of money on delicious food to cook for everyone. But I will not buy cigarettes- they are too costly and bad for me. I will not spend money on my own demise.

I will buy more herbs to smoke- like mullein and coltsfoot, damiana and lobelia. I have done much research on delicious herbs that you can smoke and actually heal the damage done to your lungs from years of smoking... More on that later, it's a blog all unto itself.

I am realizing that this entry is now very long, it would be superfluous were it not for my love of dynamic language. Take that, short-hand! I will express myself fully and care not who reads my dribble. I am writing this for me, not you.

Acting in one's own best interest is not selfish, it is smart. Being a doormat and giving everything for others who could care less is a sin that I intend to wash away. I will still be kind, gracious, helpful, grateful and generous, but I will no longer be stupid.

Ok, I'm done now.

Lots of love for everyone! :)

VROOM!

(This picture is from facebook- it is a leo, like me. I love it so much!)

I feel like the little engine that could, and it's a wonderful feeling.

I've been feeling like the little engine that couldn't, got stuck and fell over in a ditch for a couple months- losing the job was hard, and I had some really difficult problems with people in my life. All the ground ripped right out from under me and I just kept falling until I decided that I wasn't going to wait to hit the bottom this time. NO WAY! I've hit the bottom enough times in my life to know it gets lower and harder every time.

I pulled a super-sci-fi anti-gravity move and stopped, right there in the middle of the air, dug my nails in the wall and caught my breath. Now I've started climbing. It's slow, but it's sure and even if I don't immediately see the light at the top of the hole, I know it's there. I can feel the sunshine on my face, even if my eyes are closed.

It has been 6 whole days since I smoked a single cigarette, I haven't gone that long without one in at least a year. I've been trying without full intent to quit for a couple years now. I still want to smoke when I go out drinking, but I haven't been out drinking in 6 days either. HA!

I am not going to say that I quit smoking, because I have not. I am on the look-out for all those wonderful herbs I've been studying that are actually GOOD for you when you smoke them. No, not the pots. I'm talking about Mullein and Coltsfoot, Red Clover and a huge list I have written down way over there.

I just wanted to say that I've been happy for two weeks now, and that's BIG! and my lungs like me...

WAHOO!

and.... chug-a-chug-a-chug-a-chug-a-chooo-chooo!

How Things are Sometimes Better

Yesterday was GOOOOD!
I cleaned. Usually the cleaning brings me down, not so much fun. But it was great yesterday. I had friends over, visiting and also working on little projects while I was bustin' my butt. I had lovely conversations, tasty food and space! The space I have now where there was no room before looks like a living space now and not just some abandoned cellar where an artist just happens to dump all her stuff. What a relief!

I even went to Dots with friends (and boyfriend-mmm) afterward to eat yummy food and have no beer. I love beer, but I just have not been feeling it lately. I had coffee instead. Then we all went over to my boyfriend's apt and hung out and watched TRON!

I have to say, that even though I was falling asleep through many bits of the movie (alternately, with getting up and baking brownies) it was very good. Why would such a person watch Tron and fall asleep after a whole cup of coffee? Because the coffee was at around 7pm and the Tron didn't start until 11:30pm. Geesh! So, now I have a renewed appreciation for 80's super-cool graphics, more sleep than everyone else and a whole batch of very gooey brownies... Their oven is horrible, but that's another story for another time.

HUGS!