Awhile ago I took this picture of a chalk drawing on the sidewalk. I liked it because it reminded me of a pretend television set. Did you ever pretend to watch tv as a child? I did, mostly when I was out and about at rainbow gatherings or somehow else out in the wilderness. This chalk drawing reminded me of when I used to pretend to watch television as a child....

I feel a little like that right now; like I'm trying to do something that doesn't need to be done and know it, but everybody else does so I should too.

I wonder sometimes about the necessity of, "getting along." Sometimes I try to get along with someone so hard that eventually it all blows up in my face and I feel I should have just told them to, "fuck off" to begin with... But everyone else seems to be alright with it, so I feel like I should too... until I get this knot in my stomach and it makes me cry and feel sad for weeks. I get hit by lightening bolts of rage that lead to vivid fantasies of someone not getting blown to bits. Every time I try to imagine gross harm afflicting someone ... I can't go through with it, even in my head, even if they're really really vile. Instead I stop it all and just hope that they find whatever it is that will allow them to be nice to people... and write blogs like this.

holiday.blooze

I'm trying to find the perfect synonym for the winter blues, those holiday wipe-outs that leave you feeling like you should be tied and bound, locked up with all the other Christmas Loonies in straight-jackets lamenting and cursing their Hallmark generation.

It's not that I'm trying to find meaning in the Holidays, I know there's meaning, tons of it on so many levels both meta and otherwise. I also understand that we've diluted most of that meaning into piles of presents and retail sales. Maybe it's some years ago Holiday trauma that's screwed my scrooge, or it could be years of service-industry slavery, possibly the lack of Sunshine up here far away from my Arizona soul (which was just as incomprehensible, mind you- she just smiles more in winter).

I'm not sure what's got my neck in a crank... Oh, wait, nevermind- I got that one, all over it. I almost succeeded in getting out of bed this past Monday, only to fall back, shrieking in agony at the twisting pain wrenching the length of my back, way deep up through my neck and straight into the skull... KABOOM... OUCH!... WHAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!

Yeah, that sucked. I got out of the house yesterday and got presents for people...

See? Even when I don't give a damn, I still care. I may have Christmas boo-hoo blues and I'll bitch about it on my blog... But I'll still get up off my broken-necked ass and buy some presents so that I can contribute to the amazing holiday retail extravaganza like everyone else.

I'm starting to feel like maybe I don't really feel this way, well I do... but also don't. There's probably a lot of guilt flashing around the screen right now, in shades of 001 01010 0110. Get that? It's a computer programmer joke, all the 1's and 0's 'cause that's how computers talk. I think. HA!

Anyhoo, I was talking about how there is a lot of guilt up there flashing through my bad jokes and waving around at the world. Not that I'll air all that up here, mind you. Never know who reads these things.

There's guilt about not staying in good touch with my family. Really, I hardly speak to my mom's side of the family, or my father's.

Although, my dad seems to call me more and has been a swell therapist when I call him crying because I think the world is crashing down on me again. He must be very patient.

I'd like to take a moment to state that I'm not actually insane. Everyone gets a little worked up sometimes and my dad's just the first one I call when I don't know what to do. He's got a lot of good advice because he's a Leo, like me. And my Aunt Debbie- Super inspiration, all the time! She sends me a lot of silly emails and I pretend like I don't like them, but they secretly make me all giddy inside and I'm happy to know she thinks of me. So, I'm not insane. This bloggy just happens to be where I get all the shit out so it doesn't stay inside, gobble me up and turn me into Mrs. Nutso McGhee.

Back to the family guilt- I'm sure other's get the same way, don't stay in touch with people as much as they "should" because they're to "busy." My mother would probably break in at this point with something about, "excuses." She's probably right, but what's writing without elaboration? See? I've gone and done it again!

So, I feel guilty, unproductive and kinda phooey. I also feel very lucky that people still seem to enjoy my company... please don't stop! I'm kinda useless right now, I know, believe me, I know... But I'm working on it. I'm really trying so hard to be productive and make a job for myself in these trying times. To get up on my feet so I can have everyone over for dinner parties all the time again- I miss that so much! I'm trying to maintain a balance inside so I can grow strong and learn how to thrive in my life, not just recover from it.

HUGS!

Oh the Religious Dogma Drama!

So, my friend started this facebook group called, the Church of Universal love. I'm not so keen on the Church thing, but I do love me some universal love! My name (not botticellibelle, the real one) is sanskrit for "eternal love," so it seems to be right up my alley. Now, I'm not saying that I'm taking this all very seriously or anything, mostly it all just flows right along with my belief in agape. I suppose that if I have a religion, that's it: agape.

Paolo Coelho has a little something to say about this too:

"Agape is total love, the love that devours those that experience it. Whoever knows and experiences Agape sees that nothing else in this world is of any importance, only loving. This was the love that Jesus felt for humanity, and it was so great that it shook the stars and changed the course of man’s history."

http://paulocoelhoblog.com/2009/03/27/the-three-forms-of-love-eros-philos-agape-2/

With these beliefs in mind, I came across this little bit on my friends' facebook page and (sorry, my friend!) couldn't keep my big trap shut!

I share this to give an example of the myriad ways that people believe and express those beliefs:

Mysterious Facebooker regarding the "Church of Universal Love":

So... you all get together once a week to hold hands and let the love of the universe flow through you? Come on _____ (friend of mine), don't think you can hold to that kind of prettily-wrapped shit for all of eternity. Time is eventually taken away and the truth will be known.

Friend of Mine:

Truth is beauty, and beauty truth.

Mysterious Facebooker:

Nope. Roses are beauty. St. John's clothing line is beauty. God is the Truth. From Him flows the truth. And, although there are times where truth is pretty, it is quite often stark and "right" as opposed to "wrong". Seriously, what happened?

Friend of Mine:

The 'truth,' as far as any of us knows, is as diverse and cosmically balanced as everything that apparently springs from it. Belief is where you choose to place your focus. We can totally have some coffee or food sometime and catch up if you want, it's been years! :)

Mysterious Facebooker:

It would be really nice to see you again! Would you like to meet up at the mall sometime? _____ (someone I don't know) and I would love to visit. BTW, although it would be nice to believe that truth is 'balanced', unknowable and therefore impossible to follow, it isn't so. The God who created both of us has placed a knowledge of the truth within us. It is up to us to either seek Him and His truth, or suppress it. Love ya!

Nitya Prem

I completely disagree with your statement. Not in God, as I do absolutely believe in the divine. I just don't think that we are able to comprehend everything that God is and it's almost an insult to bring God down to our level by referring to God as Him... or Her. God does not fall prey to matters as petty as sexuality so I don't believe we can rightly thrust a sex upon the divine presence. Unless it's Buddha or Jesus, but that's not really God either, just an expression of divinity in humanity. It's like saying all fruit are oranges. Not trying to make waves, just express how some people don't agree with the Christian dogma but are still good people with a great deal of faith.

Have a nice day :)

Mysterious Facebooker:

Nitya, there can be a difference between what we want/hope/believe and what is true. I can wake up tomorrow pretty darn sure that it will be raining pink poodles, but 'that don't make it so'. So what do you believe in? Other than a nebulous, sexless divinity? On what do you base this belief? On your belief that it is so? I believe in one God, theCreator of heaven and earth, the Savior of those who put their trust in Him, and the Judge of those who turn away from Him in this world. I base this belief on the evidence of a Creator and the Bible. I'm see no problem with you believing in a divinity or a pink poodle - just be darn sure you're right.

Nitya Prem

Well, I sure hope you're happy with your beliefs. I am with mine :)

Be well and godbless and all that jive!

Mysterious Facebooker:

But I was asking you a question! :) How can you know that what you believe is true, and not just "an undigested bit of beef", as Scrooge would say?

Nitya Prem

I'm not really willing to enter into this discussion as it would take way more time than I have to help you grasp the concepts I'm expressing without completely dashing your belief in ultimate truth from the one true God. I really don't want to destroy your belief system as I'm not sure your ready to openly entertain the idea of a different faith than your own that is also correct. I do not believe God would condemn the Christians that are not true to their faith and also most of the world that is not Christian. It makes no sense to me, I do not believe the world, or divine is that cruel.

So, have a nice day :) I'm logging off now.

Mysterious Facebooker:

I'll stop asking questions if you don't want to talk about it. But don't even begin to think I can't handle what you have to say w/o going all weak-kneed and losing trust in my God. Ain't gonna happen... but if you would rather think you're signing off for my sake - I'll play along. :)

I would like to take a moment and say that my intention is not to make her lose faith in her God, not by any means, I would be a horrible person. Everyone needs faith in something. What I was trying to do is STRENGTHEN her faith in God through showing her that God exists everywhere, not just in Christianity.

After reading her last bit, I feel a great sorrow for her close-mindedness. I want to reach out and tell her that I'm not trying to be condescending, I just believe differently, and so does most of the world and that's ok.

I wonder why people insist on others being wrong. It seems to me to be the greatest logical fallacy of our time that so many Christians honestly believe a God would send someone to Hell for not believing in one very specific and very narrow viewpoint. It continually baffles me that so many Christians continually (and self-righteously) condemn their neighbors, when God specifically says not only to, "honor thy neighbor," but also, "Judge not lest ye be judged." It strikes me, that they don't see their own gross hypocrisy.

Not to mention the fact that if God sent to Hell all those promised, not only would probably half of the Christians alive be condemned, but also most of the world. I thought God wasn't down with discrimination.

I'm sure so many people have made those points of which I was just speaking, they're easy.

What I really want to know is how come the Old God (Old testament, not New) is so wrathful. In many passages, the way he is portrayed is more akin to a description of the Great Horned One, then an all-creator, lifter-up of the down and out, or savior to anyone. Jesus talks about saving everyone, so why did God smite the vile Cities of Sodom and Gamorrah? Why did he send the floods to kill all of humanity except for Noah and his ark?

When we take these fables (no insult intended, but I consider them to be like Aesop), I think we're supposed to take a loose look at the actual story and then glean whatever meaning we can from them. Obviously the abovementioned are warning us against acting like assholes and the Tortoise and the Hare is to warn us against being lazy; but we're not supposed to believe that the Tortoise and Hare actually spoke and raced with eachother.

It's like all this, "holier than thou," nonsense enables people to see the forest for the trees, but not the trees for the forest.

LOOK AT THE FOREST!!!!

It loves you! and you and you and you and you and you and you and I... and EVERYONE!

myriad but not monday... well, technically it is

My sweet and I went to NYC for a business trip recently... It took up all the time between Halloween and Thanksgiving, with the preparation, recuperation and all.

I'd say that New York is amazing and brilliant and exciting and wonderful and I'm sure it is, to some people.

I gotta begin by sayin' that I ain't no small town thang. Now that we've got that covered...

It's big and huge and full and interesting and kinda scary and a little overwhelming. Then again, our business was in the Times Square area and we had no time to go exploring anywhere else. Me saying that I don't dig the Big Apple is like you saying that you hate apple pie when all you've tried is the crust. Unfair, I know; which is why I never said I didn't like it.

There was a bit of culture shock though, just a little. It's so full of people! More than Burning Man! and all crammed onto that little island of Manhattan with all the tourists and everything... crazy!

I was told that people in NYC are mean, rude, assholes, jerk-offs, you name it. I do believe, that I was misinformed by a great many people. I found that while they're not going to hang around and ask about your uncle's wife's cousins when you need directions, they will tell you where to go, how to get there and why you should be there. They will do this quickly, concisely and with a smile; which I found quite refreshing, because I didn't care to ask how their uncle's wife's cousin is doing either.

Amen to short and sweet.

Can I get a hallelujah?

That's right.

As I said, we were there on business... Adventure business! More specifically, my partner in both love and petty crime (not really the petty or the crime) is a custom treasure-hunt designer. That's right, people. Treasure hunts and adventures for the masses or the individual or 60 investment bankers. Some of it was confounding, some brilliant; it was a hoot, it was a holler and it was definitely an experience I'll never forget.

If I've piqued your curiosity and you have the bank for our bang, here's the website:

http://whimhunts.com/

Briefly, each adventure is custom tailored to fit the participant's own vision of action (or not)-packed fun. Oftentimes a participant doesn't even know they're getting a treasure hunt for their birthday... They're sitting at home when a strange knock, rap, rap, raps on the door. "Who might that be at this time? I'm not expecting anyone?" They answer and find a strange stranger who hands them their first clue... and it begins.

*note- that is but one of many fabulously intriguing ways to start a hunt- I can't go giving away all the secrets*

I'm certain I have some pictures somewhere...

Ah yes, the below image is an example of a visual clue wherein the participant knows the block it's on and gets to keep their eyes peeled until they see what's in the picture. Then they have a good idea of where to look for the next one.

*that is the last secret for free. If you'd like more, you can purchase your own Whim Custom Adventure here: whimhunts.com

Yeah, I know I'm a shameless promoter.

Peace!

HOWLoween 2009

Halloween 2009

My boyfriend and I went as Rogue and Gambit with our friend as Wolverine for Halloween. SO MUCH FUN! Honestly, it's been awhile since I had such a magnificent time with my favorite people (the ones in Portland).

I'm sure that you can see just how much fun this was.

My two favorite parts of the evening were as follows:

1. I got to meet Hunter S. Thompson, not the real one, mind you; or even Johnny Depp (which

would have been glorious). We met the best kind there is, the one right in front of you when you least expect it.

2. I got to see Beaker. Yes, Beaker, my favorite Muppet of all time (probably)... He's just so cool. He was very nice and let me give him a BIG hug and he didn't even grab my ass... HOORAY for Beaker!

My peeps, it's been lovely. You are beautiful and I know that all the Halloween stuffs are late in coming... I'll let y'all know why I've been so busy a little later.

'Till next time

WOW! alright, so I figured out how to hook my laptop up to the huge HD tv in my living room (it's my roommate's) and I'm house-sitting the two Westies (who are the doggy reason I pay not so much in rent). They're very cute and kind of a handful so I decided to find them some Doggy Movies to watch while I do some cooking. Not finding any, I decided to put, Babe on for the pooches- you know, that movie about the pig who herds all the sheep. I open up the youtube and type "Babe part 1" and this pops up. It's so freakin' weird that it's almost cool...

Note: This is the description that popped up, Throbbing Insertion- Spears of love pains of dripping peace" I was really scared it might turn out to be pornography, nonetheless, I was intrigued.

Throbbing Insertion

Spears of love pains of dripping peace

Watch it if you dare!

bliss.giggles.sweetly

Bliss can overflow from one to another

tickling noses and pin-pricking.

Bliss laughs it's way around a room

making giddy little knots all over

that can only ever be giggled,

stretched, hugged or smooched out.

Bliss can lead you astray from dogged

drudgery painting a path in your life.

Bliss waits for no-one and beckons

by tugging your shirt-collar incessantly

pulling toward your inner magnificence,

bright, shiny, and full of dreams.

Bliss wants what's best for the world

and what's best for the earth is you.

bliss knows best and bliss knows true

the deepest and holiest place inside

that beats fiercely for happiness,

comfort, hope and life; follow it.

innocent.simplicity

04.13.09

I do get tongue-tied

trying to use few words boldly

to convey a sense greater

than the blue in your eyes.

But they trip me, you see

into dreams I don't remember

huddled in the warmest car

with snowflakes on the windowpane.

I have naught but pen

and paper whiter than teeth

with which to coax this hand of mine

out of it's uncooperative ease.

To dabble in between lines

that intimidate my eyes

eyes brown as deep earth

gazing ever-upward heaven-bound.

I find myself hard-pressed

to define a disney blue

who confuddles my thoughts

into innocent simplicity.

Bare-breasted naiivety

was once my closest friend

until I sold her for walls

walls I tore down vice for vice

to come back to myself again..

We are all caught up!

I have just spent the past 2 or 3 hours posting/copy/pasting/inserting my blogs from my old blog at wordpress.com into this spiffy, new blog here at blogger.

Note: I did not copy/paste my old old blog from myspace, but you can find it here- http://blogs.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=blog.ListAll&friendId=40383455

my myspacey page was about 3 years of cataloging my life, funny that it'd already be thrown in the ancient pile along with dial-up internet and skorts... No love for the skorts, by the way. Do you even remember those? UGH! They all looked like a super-short skirt until the chick turns around and you realize she's just wearing shorts with some flap over the front. BOO!

Real skirts with shorts sewn inside, on the other hand, are a lot of fun!

As I was saying... BLOG. My ever broken-up, half-assed, sometimes I write- sometimes I don't, but still consistently THERE blog is now here.

Oh dearest google, I pray fervently that blogger will be kind and that we will get along so well like friends; that your formatting is easy and beautiful and most importantly... that it does not fuck up my line breaks in the poems I write.

That's why I broke up with wordpress, it kept fucking with my formatting and my Poems and I could not abide. Poems need specific line-breaks in order to better convey the rhythm of the piece. Now that I've said my piece, I'm done.

Ooooh... and for those few peeps who've been following my blogs and never knew my name outside of botticellibelle, I have very bad news... I just googled botticellibelle (which has been my and solely MY penname for about 10 years now) and there's some other chick on blogger with my name. BOO! She seems all sweet and whatnot, but I am still pissy because this was my name first. There is Chopin on her blog, and she has not written a single thing since December of 2008, when she only started in September... And I thought I was lazy... Geez!

On the bright side, at least she has good taste!

Anyhoo, Hi! my name is Nitya Prem and this is where my blog is.

Over.Earth.Under.Sky

The ceiling in the elevator to my cave in the sky... my old studio above Berbati's Pan

09.26.09

I write of love that was deeper than the space between stars

and as unreachable.

White hot and luminescent, glittering eternally

too bright to hold.

Still, it was my guiding light, my constant joy and sorrow

kept so close.

A bird pressed to firm against a beating heart, even in love

will die.

I lover held too tight must stretch, lest they claw your heart

from your chest.

I've felt the rip of too many bleeding beats keeping time

as daggers.

I've patched up one too many tears from leaking tears

in my footsteps.

My swan's song carried me far below the crashing waves

to rest.

I dwelt in secret hope and hushed fear to see the sun again

and kept to shadow

To the dark went my desires, my pulsing love and fervency

I slept so long.

Golden rays danced upon my skin one day to love again

and pray.

Bright as it is enticing to jump from the earth to heaven

up high.

I braced myself and let the sky smile from above

to me below.

We met somewhere on the horizon between here and there

dusk and dawn.

And I will swim with you over the earth and under sky

to everywhere in between.

A Friendly Wager...

09.25.09

I currently have a bet going on amongst 9 of my friends and I. It was my boyfriend’s idea and after discussing it with our compatriots at the Night Light (one of our favorite hang outs in Portland) we ironed out all the little details and settled on this:
Each of us is to pick what we think is the very worst movie we can find. So as to avoid things like 6 hour student films following the life of microbes, we limited it to movies that can be found inside a Blockbuster store- not online, a physical store, in the Portland area.
Each participant bets a whole ten dollars on their movie, the lucky winner gets a whopping jackpot of $100!

One might ask, what defines the worst movie? Obviously not any B (or even C) horror films like Bog Creatures, these have proven entertainment value- at least you can laugh at them, right? We’re talking about true mediocrity here, the movies that put you right to sleep (although, that could be a good thing if you’re an insomniac), the movies that make you shrug your shoulders in cold, cold indifference that make you think, “Who is responsible for this piece of shit, this complete waste of resources? I’d rather stare at my popcorn ceiling for two hours than ever again watch this tripe!” That kind of movie.

The next problem was, how to watch so many horrible movies without becoming biased? We figured we’d first give everyone two weeks to pick their movie, during which time, nobody is allowed to discuss their choice. Afterward, we’ll get together and watch two movies a week over the next five weeks. That way, we don’t have to watch more than one monstrosity a night. After we watch each movie, we’ll vote independently. No-one is allowed to vote for the film they selected.
At the end of the very last movie, we’ll all probably get together, view the results and get some drinks.

Also, we’ll be rating each one on a 1-10 scale.

This evening I watched Kevin Costner’s truly epic movie, The Postman, for the very first time. Honestly, there were a couple moments when I seriously considered picking it as my entry into our friendly little bet. Unfortunately, we’d probably have too good a time making fun of it, thus nixing it from my list of possibilities… Ce’st la vie!

bad.seeds

09.22.09

Right-O.
There are some people, that no matter how much you love them, disappoint you every time. I try and try so hard, I think, “Well, I do believe I got rid of my last expectations of said person. No WAY I’ll be upset again because of expectations not being met. I expect nothing and will only be happy when they’re around because without any expectations, I can’t be disappointed, right? Right!” and then out of nowhere I’m sad again.
There are some people who will always disappoint… When they’re not surprising you delightfully with unexpected little nuggets of their golden personality.

Still, so sad.

I don’t think it’s healthy to NOT expect anything from anyone. I feel that in doing so, I’m giving up on some sacred hope in humanity that I’m not ready to let go of, just yet. I think that sometimes people should be expected to be steadfast. I feel in not expecting anything of others, that you’re dishonoring them, because, well… I just do.

I feel good when people tell me they know they can rely on me for such and such. I feel good when people come over to my house for dinner and expect a delicious meal. I feel that when someone expects something of you, it’s a good thing, because it shows a strength in character that has already been proven. I would not like to be a blank slate all of the time. I want to play host to other’s expectations of me and sometimes fail, in the knowledge that doing so has given me room to grow.

But if there’s nothing there but room to grow, than what is there, really? A seed that doesn’t start is no good at all. A seed that doesn’t start disintegrates into dirt when planted, all the sunshine and water in the world won’t make a bad seed grow.

My growth may be choppy, I might have stunted in the frost and not borne as much fruit as one would hope… But I still stretch for that sunshine and soak in the rain.

I don’t want to cry over spent seeds anymore, I’d really like to watch my flowers grow.

Russet.smoothie

Life’s been running like a roller-coaster lately; hard, fast, topsy-turvey and steel everywhere. I’m on some sort of Mr. Toad’s wild ride where the turns come so quick, I can’t tell what’s around the bend but it doesn’t stop it from coming… not by a long shot.
I feel as though I’m finally starting to come into my own, like the Universe said, “Well guys, she’s ready. Let’s throw her some LIFE!” and BLAMMO!

It’s been a long time since, I’ve been this happy with my life, my creativity, my friends and this whole crazy nutshell kind of world…
On a side note: I am making smoothies and they are SO incredibly delicious!

A couple of my favorite people, Happy and Maquette are getting married on July 4th; they’re having a Victorian Steampunk wedding… How cool is that? I’m still trying to figure out what in the world I’m going to wear, I’m sure I’ll think of something just right. They are the first of my good friends to get married and I am so excited for them! It’s also (obviously) got all kinds of thoughts swimming around in my head like, “What kind of wedding would I like to have someday?” and “Am I really such a silly girl as all that?”

Turns out, I am. I am just as silly, goofy, romantic, tee-hee-hee as the rest of them. Also bad-ass. Always also bad-ass, but I suppose that doesn’t come out as much when is mushy girlie situations.

I’m going to go eat my delicious lunch now: Hefeweisen pork sausage with grilled onions, sauerkraut, horseradish (I am a good Rusyn girl) and grilled rosemary russet potatoes…. and peach, berry, banana SMOOTHIE!

To be Home Again, So Soft in my Bed

06.25.09

I arrived in Eugene the morning before last, driven down from Portland by a gregarious photographer named, Van. Seemingly appropriate, I appropriated a ride from Van on Craigslist… gotta love that rideshare. We talked the two hours down in amicable discussion and am pleased to report that I got my first paid photo-shoot ever… Thanks Van!

We turned onto Nectar Way, pulled into a long driveway and met Mr. Michel Savage of Grey Forest– who has requisitioned me to model for this Sci-Fi project he’s working on called, Hellbot. His studio is cozy, the grounds are green forests and I almost expect to see precocious little faeriebugs peeking above every leaf and zipping through the branches. I was rather apprehensive about posing nude so he could transform me into some faerie or other, but relaxed into the process… kinda? I believe I’ll be either a red pixie sprite or some sort of dryad by the time I’m done. I felt a little awkward posing, not that I’m all that self-conscious or anything… It’s just that I went to a tanning booth to even out my tan lines for the shoot…
The first time went fine, everything was a little smoother. The second time (two days later) wasn’t so fortunate, I came out of the booth pleased with my 14 minutes of radiant meditation, pleased as pink to be traveling the next day for a photoshoot… Until I sat down a couple hours later and realized that my bum was a little ouch. One glance in the mirror revealed a bottom as rosy red as a baboons’ ass! It looked like I’d been a very naughty girl and someone had spanked me magenta with a large paddle… Not so great for the happy frolicking faerie.
That was my inspiration for a fire pixie, I thought maybe he can just turn all of me red; a crimson pixie with a pissed off attitude who is in no mood for more spankings! After photoshoot (he’ll “paint” them later, the pictures are for reference) and dinner, we took a dip in the hot-tub which further (momentarily) inflamed my already bright buttocks. We watched, Silent Hill which was an interesting horror movie, I found out from my friend, Alain the next day that it was adapted from a video game.

In the morning I had a bagel, soaked in the hot-tub and got some more reading done. I’m reading Atlas Shrugged and I’m not sure that it’s nearly as bad as my best friend thinks it is, but we’re all entitled to our own opinions. On the other hand, I am not yet half-way through, so there is plenty of time for me to become frustrated to the point of pelting the book across the room when I finish (like Tabitha).
Day two involved shooting for the Sci-Fi project he’s working on called, Hellbot. It’s about some scavenger chick flying through the universe in the hunk o’ junk spaceship her daddy gave her. She hears rumors of a belly-up settlement planet who’s terraforming went berserk and turned the whole thing to dust… er… sand, like Arrakis, Tattoine, the Sahara… desert. So she hops out of her ship and goes searching for sweet, sweet H2O.
Through unfortunate circumstance she’s knocked out and left stranded in the middle of the desert, far away from her ship and without her guns, or any scrap of clothing. Our naked heroine journeys across the sand-dunes, finds an abandoned building and a scrap of fabric that she secures around her person, meets a friendly droid and sees some weird shit… To be continued.
So, the goal here was getting some epic shots that he can later super-impose against a desert background and make me look all bad-ass sci-fi babe looking for a little clothed comfort.

I ate salad, watched some Jim Henson’s Storyteller stories and generally chilled out the rest of the day, in anticipation of getting to see some sweet pictures once they’re all colored-me-pretty. Now we’re off to do a little photoshoot for a local jeweler in Eugene, meet up with my ride and head on out!

by: Michel Savage

In closing, I would like to state that I miss my boyfriend more than I thought I would and am super-stoked to see him again on Sunday night so we can cuddle up all sweet and happy… mmmmmm happy cuddletime!
Also, I kinda miss the little doggy pooches with whom I live. Oscar and Willie may be very silly dogs, but they are sweet and I would very much like to take them on a long walk.

My Lonely, Invisible, Dream

06.16.09

Yesterday was really rough… I’m not sure why exactly, I mean, I suppose I have my reasons but my reasons make me feel like I’m self-centered or wallowing in my own little self-pity party. But I suppose everyone needs the allowance of understanding sometimes, even from oneself.

I’ve been feeling a little lonely lately, disappointed in my friends. I found a guy (G) and it was a nice transition with minimal “No, I can’t do that tonights.” It seems that without really doing anything myself, I’ve been labeled by my friends as… In boyfriend land. Which has resulted in so many less invitations to go do stuff. Now, I do spend a fair amount of time with the G, but not enough to warrant being brushed off by those dear to me. It makes me really sad and I spent so much of yesterday on the verge of tears alone in my house while my G was at work and I felt so ignored.

I think part of this comes from the fact that I had so very few friends growing up. Being raised by wandering hippies, I didn’t spend a whole year in the same school from 2nd until 8th grade. That’s six years of going to at least 2, sometimes 4 schools a year. I did not have time to make friends. Additionally, I was raised by hippies, always the, “new girl” and relentlessly teased by my classmates. They’d sometimes spend an entire recess chasing me around the schoolyard, calling me names and throwing things at me. I learned to run really fast as a little girl!

Last night I had a bad dream. It started off well enough, battling forces of evil and whatnot- that’s what I usually do in my dreams, save people; this would probably be my Messiah Complex acting up, but that’s a story for another day which probably (coincidentally) coincides with me being picked on all the time growing up.

Anyhoo, I was riding around the park/bar with a my best friend, two other ladies and some guy and we were all talking to eachother… kinda. More like they were all talking and I was being ignored. They’d say something and I’d have a response to contribute and they’d just kinda look at me and then continue on with whatever it was they were talking about. At one point, I had some glorious pearl of a little story that related so well with what they were discussing and I tried to tell them. Every time I’d only get the first sentence out before they’d start talking over me again and I was seemingly invisible.

–Note: Seemingly invisible is bad for a Leo… There are few worse things for such natural borne leaders/gregarious types than to feel completely ignored… Seriously, just about the worst thing ever.

To continue, this happened about four times, me trying to join my friends in conversation and each time, them going on about their business without me. I got exceedingly frustrated, got out of the cart without anybody noticing and went to our favorite bar in the park on this series of patios surrounded by lush greenery. One side of the main patio ended in a wall of lustrous hanging vines with leaves and soft flowers, it was an amazing sight. Cornering the wall of foliage, was a bar that ran the length of the Patio and it seems that we were regulars there. Adjoining the aforementioned patio was a smaller one a couple steps down, with a little table.

The trio, my best friend and some guy got there just behind me, clamored out of the golf-cart looking car-amajig and proceeded to the bar, where there was a photographer waiting for all of us to do a photo-shoot. Well, It turns out I was invisible again because the photographer collected them all up, dressed them in such pretty clothes and started shooting everyone except me. I went up to try and make my presence known but they just gave me dirty looks and ignored me again.

Feeling slighted yet again, I figured I’d just go home when I ran into a friend from my comedy troupe. He was pretty busy, but had the time to chat with me a little on my way off and that helped me feel a little better, but I was till deeply hurt by the mean looks and uncaring behavior of my best friend.

When I woke up this morning I curled up into my lover’s arms and recounted to him my dream. “Looks like your dealing with some friend issues.” I look up, wide-eyed and still a little sleepy, moan a, “yeeeaahh.” and nestled into his warmth again.

With all the acquaintances and friends I’ve made since I got out of high school I sometimes forget that I was a very lonely little girl. She’s still there inside and sometimes she comes out and I spend a day crying for her. Mostly I am writing this so she’ll leave me alone (how ironic) today and I can just sit and paint and be productive without feeling that (unwarranted?) sense of self pity.

So guys and gals, oh friends of mine- I just want to let you know that you’re really important to me and I very much love you…

Downtown, where the wild bums grow

06.15.09

It’s always colder downtown- I did not realize, until I moved into the sunshine. Downtown is an ever cloudy day grey in the twilight of her years. She’s a bag lady carting around second-rate treasures murmuring sermons, “Could you give me a quarter?”

White hair jerking hands and jittering speech, downtown will tell your future in the bottom of Starbuck’s coffee cups. Downtown will read your past in the stock market and smell your present in the cracks on the side-walk, overflowing with cigarette butts and stale urine.

Grandfather Time measures success in crusted vomit on the side of the street; an executive’s sixth martini. The frat boys drank vodka redbulls last night, but it’s their girlfriend’s kamikazes staining the curb.

I speak of just before dawn and far after sunset, the interim that knows no bounds. Here is in between, the bustle of the business day when all proud Americans are safely locked in their cubicles and corner offices, the urban dirt and decay. Here is the liver after moonlight when all good party boys and pop princesses retire into eachother’s arms to boff the night away.

I see, I say, my friends, what a day!

I have a confession to make: I almost completely forgot about my blog… It has been floating around in the murky waters of my guilty subconcious for the past two months or so. ..

HOLD ON A MINUTE… THIS IS REALLY PISSING ME OFF, let me explain: I have tried many times now to use the apostrophe button on my keyboard and EVERY FUCKING time I touch it, some pain in the ass “quickfind” bar POPS up on the bottom of my window! This is really irritating!

Figures that I remember my blog only to have my experience destroyed by some quirk in modern technology that is supposed to (no doubt) make my life easier.

I do NOT want quickfind. I signed up for no quickfind. Turn off the FUCKING quickfind!!!

As I was saying: Have performances with Cosmic Lee (there is supposed to be an apostraphe here)s Intergalactic Traveling Show.

Have Open Mic Night (Myriad Monday) every monday at ten pm at Bar XV in downtown Portland.

Almost had art show, the owner of Berbati fell ill and his daughter was oh-so-stressed so Tabitha and my art show for June is no more.

Have boy… er… man… er One stupendous GUY! His name is Graham and we have been dating for two months now. As I would really like to NOT jinx this one, I am now shutting up. Be warned, he is AWESOME! … Come to think of it, he is also probably one very large reason that I have not been writing so much as of late. I write less when I am happy. Notice the absence of apostrophies in my oh so correct english.

POOP ON YOU QUICKFIND!

peace,

I am out!

Pack it up, pack it in, let me begin...

03.16.09

I have not been living in the luxurious (ha!) Western Rooms apartments for an entire month now.

I almost miss living above the three most fantastic bars in downtown Portland. I really miss my cozy little cave in the sky. I miss my kitchen OH so much, it is packed away in boxes half at one house and half in another. I also miss my wall-hangings and altar, the books, the mass of creativity immediately available to my curious fingers in my little art-nook. I have been staying at a friend’s house and as they are so gracious for letting me use their couch- I have no real complaints.

I’ve been working so hard toward unemployment that the not receiving such and still no job has been pretty brutal on my happy-go-lucky psyche. I was talking to my father in tears over said situation and he says to me, “Are you still on birth-control? I think you should stop that because it is making you overly emotional.” POO on that, I say. I have let my parental unit know that the anti-baby medication really has nothing to do with it. Also, I seem to be dealing with things pretty well, given circumstance and I am absolutely allowed to break down and cry during said time of change…. so take that!

p.s. I did taxes. I will get monies back, which can be used to rent a room in a lovely communal housing arrangement. So, if anybody out there would like to rent a room to this wonderfully qualified (did I mention I love to cook?), vivacious and generally happy-go-lucky person (me!)… both of my friends will be eternally grateful and momentarily indebted to your oh-so-kind soul.

broken.dreams

04.16.09

I’m so very tired of broken dreams

helpless as they fall away into a million pieces

and I watch them break down with me

to sink into that nothing I know so well

I remember my only nightmare

wherein my teeth crumble inside my mouth

I spend the whole night spitting

broken bits into my hand like gravel

This time it’s my life that scares me so

my job, apartment, happiness and confidence

shattered into a million tiny pieces

with every other tooth in America’s Shit-eating grin.

Valentine.peach.fuzz

02.14.09

It’s not that I’m bitter, really.
Just a little sad, kinda blurry around the edges.
I’m the embodiment of Monet’s painting
as I fade around and into my day

Waking life and walking dream
for this moment I emulate peach fuzz,
not to be told where it begins or ends
but sweet beneath, juicy soul.

To ripen in the sun once more
Cast aside Saint Valentine’s cloudy shackles
resurrect into sunshine this gloom
I will burst into linten faeries.

Drifting here and there, soft haze
will dance light until people sneeze full of me
spreading blessings contagion
we will all melt together today.

The Lucky One

02.13.09

I’m staying with friends right now until I can get back on my feet… and they haz cats! Usually they are so sweet sisters to eachother but today, on Friday the 13th they got into a little catfight. I wrote a poem about it!

The Lucky One

One cat sat by the purse, staring intently on a slender leather strap
the dark one looks on from a distance, silently waiting, looking back
Until the lucky one attacks nibbling on soft tanned cow-hide
Of the moon she comes, swift to swipe her feline friend aside

The lucky one, she snips fierce and swift, accurate with her teeth
and deftly turned by luna’s side-seen paw tufted with talons underneath
and quicker than the eye can see, this cat fight stops to glare
one eye into the other match as Lucky does not mean to share

Luna raises paw again to raise the stakes once more
then Lucky darts upon her prize beneath the table on the floor
She triumphs rolling in leapord skin, pink and stuffed with catnip glee
As Luna sidles demurely back to observe her rivals’ victory

Oh! Those Blues that Swirl in my Head

01.30.09

I’ve reached another one of those low points in my life. I’ve been trying like hell to break this cycle for years now… somewhere around 8 years. hmmm… Doesn’t seem to get any easier, really. I’m lost, confused, I feel like I am incapable of making correct decisions or managing my life. Precipice. That’s a good word for these times. Teetering. It seems to me that when things get very hard and I think that the universe is going to throw me a bone at any moment, they get worse. More difficult. I’m trying so very hard to let go of my ego. I thought I’d demolished it pretty well, but I still cling to things like a drowning rat escaping a leaky ship. Glub, glub, glub.

I cling to comfort, I cling to what I believe I should be doing; which is funny because I feel incapable of making decisions and I don’t have any idea what should be doing is. I find myself directed solely by gut reaction and aversion to things I feel are “beneath” my talents. I feel some warped sense of justification in that I’ve been playing with bottom-feeder jobs for 9 years now, and… Haven’t I paid my dues?” Guess not. I feel incapable of taking myself seriously or taking anything else seriously because right now I just can’t see the bright top of this very small, but oh so deep hole that I’ve dug for myself.
Oh, what a hole. I want to be independent but it seems that the more I strive toward independence, the more I find myself dependent on others. I want to be part of a collective, I want to be part of a whole. I want to inspire people and help them smile. I want to be that source of sunshine that so many people have come to think of when they imagine me. Do they spend days crying too? Wallowing in self-pity when they know it’s the worst thing for them at that moment? Maybe I’m just trying to get it all out so I can move on. Because I certainly need to move on.
But my head is so fuzzy with seemingly conflicting bits of information, it’s a data storm up there and all I see are colors standing out and overlapping, blending into dusty greys and weirdest off-beat browns. There’s blue in there too, a veritable ocean of deep blues, that calm and confuse my reds. Funny also that I have two distinct colors in my head that swarm around but never mix to purple… Well, they are now. I suppose I should be thankful at least, for this oh so vivid imagination that conjures images with the slightest protuberance.
If only I could sit back all day long and look at the pretty colors in my head. The goal, I suspect, is to take all those colors and unleash them on the world in varying shades of compassion and love. I can do that, I think… With a little bit of that underrated motivation…

MOTIVATE ME SELF MOTIVATE!

GO!

star.chart

01.05.09

And I will gawk, unabashedly and true,
silently in wonder at the brightness in you.

Encompassing worlds of sentient delight,

I always meant to gander at the implicitude of it all
and was yet unprepared for such a sight.

Now, I think with vision grown
grand enough to break my peace
by piece within.
This colossal orb of prescience
engulfs futile neighboring stars.

Pinpoints glowing for naught
that I can any longer glean,
so away with meaningless symmetry
of bodies juxtaposed in inconsequential play.

For there is a universe on the horizon
whose spirit is known but territory unexplored
and I find myself graciously seated,
Mon Capitan, to steer a course
hopshod through uncharted bliss!

waiting.bruise

01.05.09

As I watch the sky turn from slate grey to navy blue

meandering green in the middle,

my thoughts form to fill the spots in-between

sworn lover’s vows ringing in the firmament

this cool, dark air leaves me wondering

I’d rather love balmy words blithely pronounced

on naked evening’s revelry

whispered most fair in earnest covenant.

But the spaces barely there expound come morning

seeping memory in shades of deepest bruise.

Unrepugnant Dreams

01.25.09

The smoke still burns
little wisps floating
through the air
fascinate each other
dancing vibrant streams
melting through time.

Cordially uncoordinated
avatar daze
hazes beyond cardinal
melancholic aftermath.

This Saturnine relation
of fiberglass integration
speaks arias searing
pure crystal clear
hopes and unrepugnant dreams.

Smells Like Change

I smell it in the air, a deep earthy base wafting through shades of spring green, ever luminent in inevitable springtime glee. A change is comin’ a Big ol’ whirlin sorta change that blows the dust out from under the rug, the kinda change could make a person think. Well hell, I’m thinkin’ already. Thinkin’ on just how much change could fill such a big distance as I see agapin’ right in front of me.
I stand in front of an empty horizon, armed with my creativity, intelligence and most importantly love. I’ve got enough love to fill that canyon right ahead, fill it to overflowing into starshine, I will… Agape. A love so big that you feel it for everything because your so grateful just to be here, in this moment, the one that matters….
Because all moments matter and I found my cajones. They were a little harder for me to locate than others, I reckon. Seein as how I’m part of the sweeter sex of womanfolk who were blessed by sweet God with peepee on the inside. Back down south in the soul slingin’ Sonoran desert, cajones is what you pacnorth people call balls. Gumption.

Well, I’m not afraid of fallin’ anymore ’cause I think I’ve just about hit the bottom enough in my life to have developed one tough ass. And this ass is not going to not do something because she’s afraid it won’t work. Or worse, that it will. I strapped my carpenter’s hammer on the other day and after spending a lot of time tearin’ shit down, I’m gonna build something. I’m going to build something true and beautiful and happy, I’m gonna build myself a life.
I’m workin’ on doin’ what I’ve been talkin’ about for years now. Doin’ something I love all the way down to my bleached red in the desert sun bones- I’m gonna get myself an art show…. tee hee heeeeee! I’m goin’ on auditions. I got myself two photoshoots comin’ up. I’m part of a performing comedy troupe (Cosmic Lee’s Intergalactic Traveling Show) and I got me an open mic night (Bar XV every monday).
My well-defined nose is positioned way up in the air to sniff me out some opportunity and not because I’ve got rent to pay (ouch) but because I just want to do what I do well. I want to utilize the gifts the maker gave me to fill the space in this world that’s waitin’ just for me. I’ve been workin’ on it for 25 years now and those colored pencils were fun and all, but I’m bringing out the acrylics to now… So I can finally have something to share with the world and all those brilliant people that I’m fortunate enough to have met and love so much!

Not Enough Pillows

This is my children's story :) My friend is illustrating it. Maybe you'll be able to buy it in a shop soonish...

Bunch, pat, poke and fluff! No matter how Laralee squished her only pillow, it just wasn’t right. She did NOT have enough pillows to help her sleep tonight. After wrestling with her blankets, trying to make them round, Laralee gave up and put on a frown. Slowly rumbling, tumbling around, she knocked her pillow under her bed. Stretching, reaching and squirming, she fell underneath. Fell and fell going down, down, down, she wondered where she would land until…

Plop! She found herself in a very big cave on top of an even bigger pile of pillows. Big ones, small ones, striped, spotted and paisley, she had never seen so many pillows in her life! “I wonder who is the lucky person that has all these lovely pillows? Surely they would not mind if I just took a couple.” Laralee grabbed two beautiful pillows, one purple like the sunset and another as white and fluffy as her kitty named Cloud.

Laralee climbed down the mountain and when she reached the bottom, she saw a glowing silver path winding in-between hills and mountains of more pillows than she had ever dreamed of. “Since this is the only path, it must lead home!” Laralee said aloud into the dim light.

Laralee suddenly found herself surrounded by guards and each one of them wore armor made of pillows. One was pink from head to toe, one was red, another was blue, and another green, but each and every one of them looked very, very mean. “Arrest that girl! She’s a thief, stealing from the prince!” The guards took away Laralee’s pillows, one purple and one white and dragged her off into the night.

After walking for what seemed like forever, the guards brought her in front of Prince James. He was just a little bit older than Laralee and definitely in charge. The guards told him how they caught the little girl stealing his precious pillows. Laralee spoke up, “I did not know they belonged to you, I just could not sleep and only took two…” “Silence!” yelled the prince, “You must be punished!” Laralee began to cry and told Prince James how she had fallen from under her bed.

The prince was very curious and asked her all about her home and friends in the land above. “I live in a big house with my dad and my cat, Cloud. I have a bunch of friends and we like to play games.” The prince asked Laralee what kind of games she played and if she would teach him some. “In the Land of Pillows,” Prince James said, “there is a lot of sleep and naps and stories, but not so many games and I get lonely and bored.” Laralee agreed to teach the prince as many games as she knew and followed him to his back yard. Laralee taught him how to play Hopscotch and Tag, she taught him how to play Rock, Paper Scissors and Ring Around The Rosey. They had so much fun that even the guards played with them!

At the end of the night Prince James had so much fun that he told Laralee that if she played King of the Mountain with him, she could go home and have as many pillows as she wants. The guards took Laralee and the prince to the big mountain of pillows that she had fallen on when she first got there. “I have always wanted to play, but I never knew how. If I win this game then I will finally be a King and a prince no more,” said Prince James. In no time at all Prince James was on top of the mountain, throwing pillows down at everyone and no-one else could touch him. Laralee looked up at prince and bowed beautifully, “You win. I now declare you King of the Mountain and King James of the land of pillows!”

After all those games, Laralee was very tired and she yawned and yawned; “May I please go home now, King James? I am sleepy and I do not want my daddy to worry about me.” James gave Laralee a big hug and told her, “If you ever want to come play games with me again, you are welcome to visit any time you like.”

Laralee made a very soft bed on her two favorite pillows. One was as purple as the sunset; and the other was white and fluffy, just like her cat, Cloud. Soon she fell up into a very peaceful sleep.

As Laralee woke up and rubbed the sleepy from her eyes, she remembered a land of pillows, many-colored guards and a prince who is now a King. “It must have all been a dream.” she thought to herself. When Laralee hopped out of bed, she was surprised to her pillows on the floor, one purple and one white, with her kitty, Cloud sleeping right on top. It must not have been a dream after-all!