holiday.blooze

I'm trying to find the perfect synonym for the winter blues, those holiday wipe-outs that leave you feeling like you should be tied and bound, locked up with all the other Christmas Loonies in straight-jackets lamenting and cursing their Hallmark generation.

It's not that I'm trying to find meaning in the Holidays, I know there's meaning, tons of it on so many levels both meta and otherwise. I also understand that we've diluted most of that meaning into piles of presents and retail sales. Maybe it's some years ago Holiday trauma that's screwed my scrooge, or it could be years of service-industry slavery, possibly the lack of Sunshine up here far away from my Arizona soul (which was just as incomprehensible, mind you- she just smiles more in winter).

I'm not sure what's got my neck in a crank... Oh, wait, nevermind- I got that one, all over it. I almost succeeded in getting out of bed this past Monday, only to fall back, shrieking in agony at the twisting pain wrenching the length of my back, way deep up through my neck and straight into the skull... KABOOM... OUCH!... WHAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!

Yeah, that sucked. I got out of the house yesterday and got presents for people...

See? Even when I don't give a damn, I still care. I may have Christmas boo-hoo blues and I'll bitch about it on my blog... But I'll still get up off my broken-necked ass and buy some presents so that I can contribute to the amazing holiday retail extravaganza like everyone else.

I'm starting to feel like maybe I don't really feel this way, well I do... but also don't. There's probably a lot of guilt flashing around the screen right now, in shades of 001 01010 0110. Get that? It's a computer programmer joke, all the 1's and 0's 'cause that's how computers talk. I think. HA!

Anyhoo, I was talking about how there is a lot of guilt up there flashing through my bad jokes and waving around at the world. Not that I'll air all that up here, mind you. Never know who reads these things.

There's guilt about not staying in good touch with my family. Really, I hardly speak to my mom's side of the family, or my father's.

Although, my dad seems to call me more and has been a swell therapist when I call him crying because I think the world is crashing down on me again. He must be very patient.

I'd like to take a moment to state that I'm not actually insane. Everyone gets a little worked up sometimes and my dad's just the first one I call when I don't know what to do. He's got a lot of good advice because he's a Leo, like me. And my Aunt Debbie- Super inspiration, all the time! She sends me a lot of silly emails and I pretend like I don't like them, but they secretly make me all giddy inside and I'm happy to know she thinks of me. So, I'm not insane. This bloggy just happens to be where I get all the shit out so it doesn't stay inside, gobble me up and turn me into Mrs. Nutso McGhee.

Back to the family guilt- I'm sure other's get the same way, don't stay in touch with people as much as they "should" because they're to "busy." My mother would probably break in at this point with something about, "excuses." She's probably right, but what's writing without elaboration? See? I've gone and done it again!

So, I feel guilty, unproductive and kinda phooey. I also feel very lucky that people still seem to enjoy my company... please don't stop! I'm kinda useless right now, I know, believe me, I know... But I'm working on it. I'm really trying so hard to be productive and make a job for myself in these trying times. To get up on my feet so I can have everyone over for dinner parties all the time again- I miss that so much! I'm trying to maintain a balance inside so I can grow strong and learn how to thrive in my life, not just recover from it.

HUGS!