tuck in the sun

Sweet Infuriation

A Haiku For You...

Last Night I Didn't Dance

Profound sadness seeps into everything I see, spotted with dots of happiness- faint, but piercing.
Bright stars coldly seen and burning hot, so far away.
I'm waiting for myself to come back to me and I wish I could dance with the multitudinous masses.
My feet stuck firm to the ground and I'm paralyzed by tears falling in the face of trees.
To grow so strong, stretching ever upwards to catch joy pouring forth from a golden sun.

Slipping

Slipping, slipping, slipping away

I've felt it for months now

that gradual fade, "the end is nigh."

Slowly, softly, slipping away.

Hope fades as hot memories sting my cheeks and burrow down deeper than I knew.

There's a chasm inside wherein I hurl dead parts of myself to churn into something new and real.

I stand at the edge of the ravine and I throw in laziness and pain. I toss out lies and get a running start before drop-kicking pity down the well.

I tried to chuck my heartache over the edge...

Hearts are fickle, they seek out pleasure and pain alike. Hearts are sticky, bouncy things that ride on your sleeve and whisper sweet nothings. They roll around orbiting like so many planets in the sky- gravity and heavy and pushing pressure around every side.

I don't want to forget anything, I just wish I wouldn't remember every second so vividly. Every kiss fresh and hugs and words and cuddles and smiles and every happy second imprinted for eternity in a heart that I'd rather let be.

Slipping, slipping, slipping away

It's so hard to let go

when there's nothing to hold onto.

Slowly, softly, slipping away.

Cloudy Heads and Retail Dreams

Oh the stuff that is in my head, I feel all filled with soggy cotton!

In other news, I have had my wondrous boyfriend for over an entire year now. I could list all the ways that he is magnificent and absolutely the best guy, but that would take forever and so much typing that you would soon be sick of reading about how fabulous he is.

Suffice it to say, my boyfriend ROCKS!

Honestly, I'm writing right now because I am not home, but my art supplies are. I would like to make some artwork today, it has been months since I drew/painted anything worthwhile. Artistically, I feel a bit in the dumps. I have spent many hours of many days of many weeks on the hunt for an elusive job, so I am doing things with my time to be considered worthwhile... It's just not so satisfying. Also, feeling all bloosy about not having a job is not the best inspiration for creating art.

I understand creativity thriving in chaos and the tortured soul of the artist being inspired by all sorts of things going wrong in their life... The thing is, everything's just right enough to not move me toward any great work. Yes, I have no full-time, part-time job... But I get the occasional modeling gig, Go-Go dancing gig or treasure hunt. So, I have just enough. Feels like just enough to keep me in limbo and yet not enough to thrive...

I also understand I am probably whining all this out into inter-space because I am sick and feel like poopy. Super poopy.

S'okay. Maybe Bose will call me today and tell me I got the job selling kick-ass speakers... Or I'll get a ring from that super-cool toy store on Hawthorne and get to work there. I dream of a part-time retail job where I get to work with happy people. I want to merchandise, organize and count the drawer at the end of the day. I want to help people buy not entirely useful things and bring smiles to their faces. I am a retail goddess... put me to work!

(meanwhile, I will be sick today and hopefully paint something pretty)

Farewell, AlTab

My brother and sister who are not my relatives have left me. AlTab has moved to San Fransisco (That is Alain and Tabitha, they are a couple and I call them AlTab because Alain is a Ruby on Rails programming geek). Alain and I are like two little peas in a supernova, I say supernova because there's no way in creation we'd fit into a pod together. Both of us have very large personalities that don't fit well together in small, confined spaces. Regardless, he is like a brother unto me and I will miss him so much. Tabitha will be missed as well, she is cooler than thou, forever, in a very good way. If you read her blog, off.the.twig then you already know this. Good for you.
Let us all raise our glasses in celebration that their lives in San Fransisco will be amazing! **clink**

When I was a little girl I lived in SF with my father sometimes. It has always been and will continue to be my favorite city. If not my absolute favorite, then way up on the list. I will forever remember it through a golden glow of childhood recollection. I miss the Japanese Tea Garden (Portland's Japanese gardens have got nothin' on you) and rollerblading through Golden Gate Park. I miss that fabulous Italian restaurant my dad used to take me to... I ate so much fettuccini alfredo and never got sick- it is still my favorite Italian dish. Fried calamari too, so good!
I miss the place with amazing calzones and to die for gelato. I miss the thai restaurants that would always make me a dinner order of chicken sate and the sushi bars with all the boats floating around. Yes, SF is a fair city stuffed with gastronomic delights!
Sometimes I wish I had the money to properly explore all the amazing restaurants in Portland... But I'm such a good cook, I just can't seem to justify it.

My friend Chris made me some of the best fettuccini alfredo I have ever had in my life the other day. Thank you so much!

The job hunt is... going. I am working very hard to find a job. I go out on foot and plaster the town with resumes and I scour online. I have had many good interviews and it always seems to be between me and one or two other people and I am not the one who walks away with a paycheck in their foreseeable future. Aye me, sad days seem long!
This is ok. I am being productive and working on starting my own costume/clothing company in the meantime. I figured out what my #1 specialty is going to be... but I can't tell you because the idea is so good, it's a secret! When I make a couple prototypes and get them all patented or something then I will post up pictures.

I have been writing much hilarious comedy also, for Cosmic Lee's Intergalactic Traveling Show. I am a full-blown member, actress and writer extraordinaire for these interstellar entertainers. I bet you always thought I might be an alien. HA! you're right.

I should really write here more often, then each blog could have 1 topic and they would be shorter. I am sorry (not really) for offending the eyes with so many letters.