VROOM!

(This picture is from facebook- it is a leo, like me. I love it so much!)

I feel like the little engine that could, and it's a wonderful feeling.

I've been feeling like the little engine that couldn't, got stuck and fell over in a ditch for a couple months- losing the job was hard, and I had some really difficult problems with people in my life. All the ground ripped right out from under me and I just kept falling until I decided that I wasn't going to wait to hit the bottom this time. NO WAY! I've hit the bottom enough times in my life to know it gets lower and harder every time.

I pulled a super-sci-fi anti-gravity move and stopped, right there in the middle of the air, dug my nails in the wall and caught my breath. Now I've started climbing. It's slow, but it's sure and even if I don't immediately see the light at the top of the hole, I know it's there. I can feel the sunshine on my face, even if my eyes are closed.

It has been 6 whole days since I smoked a single cigarette, I haven't gone that long without one in at least a year. I've been trying without full intent to quit for a couple years now. I still want to smoke when I go out drinking, but I haven't been out drinking in 6 days either. HA!

I am not going to say that I quit smoking, because I have not. I am on the look-out for all those wonderful herbs I've been studying that are actually GOOD for you when you smoke them. No, not the pots. I'm talking about Mullein and Coltsfoot, Red Clover and a huge list I have written down way over there.

I just wanted to say that I've been happy for two weeks now, and that's BIG! and my lungs like me...

WAHOO!

and.... chug-a-chug-a-chug-a-chug-a-chooo-chooo!

How Things are Sometimes Better

Yesterday was GOOOOD!
I cleaned. Usually the cleaning brings me down, not so much fun. But it was great yesterday. I had friends over, visiting and also working on little projects while I was bustin' my butt. I had lovely conversations, tasty food and space! The space I have now where there was no room before looks like a living space now and not just some abandoned cellar where an artist just happens to dump all her stuff. What a relief!

I even went to Dots with friends (and boyfriend-mmm) afterward to eat yummy food and have no beer. I love beer, but I just have not been feeling it lately. I had coffee instead. Then we all went over to my boyfriend's apt and hung out and watched TRON!

I have to say, that even though I was falling asleep through many bits of the movie (alternately, with getting up and baking brownies) it was very good. Why would such a person watch Tron and fall asleep after a whole cup of coffee? Because the coffee was at around 7pm and the Tron didn't start until 11:30pm. Geesh! So, now I have a renewed appreciation for 80's super-cool graphics, more sleep than everyone else and a whole batch of very gooey brownies... Their oven is horrible, but that's another story for another time.

HUGS!

Cuddlesaurus Rex!

*please note that the above painting was made by Tom O' Hare, owner of the Stagedoor Cabaret and Coffee house in Mt. Shasta, CA. I used to work there and it was so much fun!*

Cuddlesaurus Rex

A Children's Book

by: Nitya Prem

Mirabelle has a secret... and it's a whopper, but I bet you won't believe me yet. Mirabelle is seven years old and she has an imaginary friend named Snoozle. She still believes in her imaginary friend because he's not imaginary at all, he's very real and has feelings just like you or me.

Peter had an imaginary goat. His name was Mr. Eatsitall. Peter was always very good at naming things. Mr. Eatsitall was definitely Peter's favorite friend because he always ate all the squash that Peter thought was yucky. He lived in the planter by the dinner table. One day Peter's mom told him that he had to eat all his squash so he could grow up big and strong. Peter's mom told him that imaginary friends aren't real and Mr. Eatsitall did not live in the planter and did not eat his squash. Peter's mom told him that she was tired of throwing away squash that she found in the planter every night after dinner. Peter believed her. Now he has to eat all of his squash and Mr. Eatsitall won't speak to him anymore.

Sally's imaginary friend, Tobbs is a flying snake. Tobbs was very good at flying way up high and warning Sally if there were bullies nearby. One day he didn't see the bullies and Sally ran straight into them. She told the bullies that she had a flying snake who would protect her and hiss in their face. The bullies told her that Tobbs wasn't real and threw all her schoolbooks on the ground. The bullies stomped on them and told Sally that she was a silly baby and that imaginary friends are only pretend. Sally believed them and Tobbs stuck his big ol' snake tongue straight out at Sally, hissed and flew away.

I know that Tobbs is still up in the sky flying around and looking for bullies to hiss at. I also know that imaginary friends go away if their child stops believing in them. Would you want to stick around your best friend if they stopped believing in you? I sure wouldn't. I only speak to people who know that I'm real.

Mirabelle, though not as popular as the other kids, was much smarter. That's often the case in elementary school, smart kids get picked on and then they grow up and make lots of friends who are also smart and live very happy lives. The reason Mirabelle is so much more intelligent is that she knows that her imaginary friend is not imaginary at all. Mirabelle knows, all the way down to her toes, that Snoozle is real. He is very real, very loud, very big and then he's even bigger! He's so big, in fact, that Mirabelle sleeps on him every night.

Instead of a bed, Mirabelle is lucky enough to have her own dinosaur friend. Snoozle is of an extremely rare breed of dinosaur. Snoozle is a Cuddlesaurus Rex! I bet you've never heard of a Cuddlesaurus before, and that's ok. Because grown-ups haven't discovered them yet... Or they did and keep confusing them with Tyrannosaurus Rex, who looks much the same but is not as nice and also kinda dumb. T-Rexes have really big heads, but their brain is only the size of a peanut. That's why they're mean, like bullies. Bullies' brains are also the size of a peanut... or a pistachio.

The other really big difference between a Cuddlesaurus and a Tyrannosaurus is that Cuddlesaurus Rexes don't have any scales at all, they have patches. Snoozle, for example has a very comfortable quilted belly. His whole underside is soft and plush and perfect for sleeping. I think Mirabelle has almost the best bed in the whole, wide, world! Sleeping on top of a dinosaur can be really noisy. Nobody knows how to snore like Snoozle. Nobody.

Mirabelle likes Snoozle's snores- they remind her of the ocean waves crashing on the shore and send her straight to sleep every night, snug and sound. The only problem with sleeping on top of a very big and very noisy dinosaur named Snoozle who snores is that Mirabelle's parents sometimes think it's her. They will wake up in the middle of the night and yell from their beds, "Mirabelle, please stop making so much noise. We're trying to sleep!" Mirabelle, of course, cannot hear anything over Snoozle's snores; especially when she's sleeping. Snoozle, hears them though.

Whenever Snoozle hears Mirabelle's parents shouting, he turns over on his side so that he will stop snoring. When Snoozle turns on his side, so do the blankets, and the pillows and the sheets, and Mirabelle. She falls off every time and her parents hear all the noise and yell again, "PLEASE stop making that ruckus! We're trying to sleep!" Mirabelle doesn't mind so much, she loves her parents and she loves Snoozle no matter what. Mirabelle gets up, bundles all the blankets and the pillows the sheets and snuggles up with her Cuddlesaurus Rex. When they are all cozy again, then they both go back to sleep... On their sides.

Maybe one day Mirabelle might stop believing in her imaginary friend, maybe one day Snoozle will forget about his child friend, but I don't think that will happen. I know for a fact that Mirabelle is older now. I know that Mirabelle is almost a grown-up. I also know Mirabelle has a crush on a boy named Patrick. He still believes in his imaginary friend. I know this for a fact because I am Patrick's imaginary friend and my name is Winky. I also, just happen, to be a Cuddlesaurus Rex and I can't wait to meet Snoozle!

The End

and

Goodnight

Awhile ago I took this picture of a chalk drawing on the sidewalk. I liked it because it reminded me of a pretend television set. Did you ever pretend to watch tv as a child? I did, mostly when I was out and about at rainbow gatherings or somehow else out in the wilderness. This chalk drawing reminded me of when I used to pretend to watch television as a child....

I feel a little like that right now; like I'm trying to do something that doesn't need to be done and know it, but everybody else does so I should too.

I wonder sometimes about the necessity of, "getting along." Sometimes I try to get along with someone so hard that eventually it all blows up in my face and I feel I should have just told them to, "fuck off" to begin with... But everyone else seems to be alright with it, so I feel like I should too... until I get this knot in my stomach and it makes me cry and feel sad for weeks. I get hit by lightening bolts of rage that lead to vivid fantasies of someone not getting blown to bits. Every time I try to imagine gross harm afflicting someone ... I can't go through with it, even in my head, even if they're really really vile. Instead I stop it all and just hope that they find whatever it is that will allow them to be nice to people... and write blogs like this.

holiday.blooze

I'm trying to find the perfect synonym for the winter blues, those holiday wipe-outs that leave you feeling like you should be tied and bound, locked up with all the other Christmas Loonies in straight-jackets lamenting and cursing their Hallmark generation.

It's not that I'm trying to find meaning in the Holidays, I know there's meaning, tons of it on so many levels both meta and otherwise. I also understand that we've diluted most of that meaning into piles of presents and retail sales. Maybe it's some years ago Holiday trauma that's screwed my scrooge, or it could be years of service-industry slavery, possibly the lack of Sunshine up here far away from my Arizona soul (which was just as incomprehensible, mind you- she just smiles more in winter).

I'm not sure what's got my neck in a crank... Oh, wait, nevermind- I got that one, all over it. I almost succeeded in getting out of bed this past Monday, only to fall back, shrieking in agony at the twisting pain wrenching the length of my back, way deep up through my neck and straight into the skull... KABOOM... OUCH!... WHAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!

Yeah, that sucked. I got out of the house yesterday and got presents for people...

See? Even when I don't give a damn, I still care. I may have Christmas boo-hoo blues and I'll bitch about it on my blog... But I'll still get up off my broken-necked ass and buy some presents so that I can contribute to the amazing holiday retail extravaganza like everyone else.

I'm starting to feel like maybe I don't really feel this way, well I do... but also don't. There's probably a lot of guilt flashing around the screen right now, in shades of 001 01010 0110. Get that? It's a computer programmer joke, all the 1's and 0's 'cause that's how computers talk. I think. HA!

Anyhoo, I was talking about how there is a lot of guilt up there flashing through my bad jokes and waving around at the world. Not that I'll air all that up here, mind you. Never know who reads these things.

There's guilt about not staying in good touch with my family. Really, I hardly speak to my mom's side of the family, or my father's.

Although, my dad seems to call me more and has been a swell therapist when I call him crying because I think the world is crashing down on me again. He must be very patient.

I'd like to take a moment to state that I'm not actually insane. Everyone gets a little worked up sometimes and my dad's just the first one I call when I don't know what to do. He's got a lot of good advice because he's a Leo, like me. And my Aunt Debbie- Super inspiration, all the time! She sends me a lot of silly emails and I pretend like I don't like them, but they secretly make me all giddy inside and I'm happy to know she thinks of me. So, I'm not insane. This bloggy just happens to be where I get all the shit out so it doesn't stay inside, gobble me up and turn me into Mrs. Nutso McGhee.

Back to the family guilt- I'm sure other's get the same way, don't stay in touch with people as much as they "should" because they're to "busy." My mother would probably break in at this point with something about, "excuses." She's probably right, but what's writing without elaboration? See? I've gone and done it again!

So, I feel guilty, unproductive and kinda phooey. I also feel very lucky that people still seem to enjoy my company... please don't stop! I'm kinda useless right now, I know, believe me, I know... But I'm working on it. I'm really trying so hard to be productive and make a job for myself in these trying times. To get up on my feet so I can have everyone over for dinner parties all the time again- I miss that so much! I'm trying to maintain a balance inside so I can grow strong and learn how to thrive in my life, not just recover from it.

HUGS!

Oh the Religious Dogma Drama!

So, my friend started this facebook group called, the Church of Universal love. I'm not so keen on the Church thing, but I do love me some universal love! My name (not botticellibelle, the real one) is sanskrit for "eternal love," so it seems to be right up my alley. Now, I'm not saying that I'm taking this all very seriously or anything, mostly it all just flows right along with my belief in agape. I suppose that if I have a religion, that's it: agape.

Paolo Coelho has a little something to say about this too:

"Agape is total love, the love that devours those that experience it. Whoever knows and experiences Agape sees that nothing else in this world is of any importance, only loving. This was the love that Jesus felt for humanity, and it was so great that it shook the stars and changed the course of man’s history."

http://paulocoelhoblog.com/2009/03/27/the-three-forms-of-love-eros-philos-agape-2/

With these beliefs in mind, I came across this little bit on my friends' facebook page and (sorry, my friend!) couldn't keep my big trap shut!

I share this to give an example of the myriad ways that people believe and express those beliefs:

Mysterious Facebooker regarding the "Church of Universal Love":

So... you all get together once a week to hold hands and let the love of the universe flow through you? Come on _____ (friend of mine), don't think you can hold to that kind of prettily-wrapped shit for all of eternity. Time is eventually taken away and the truth will be known.

Friend of Mine:

Truth is beauty, and beauty truth.

Mysterious Facebooker:

Nope. Roses are beauty. St. John's clothing line is beauty. God is the Truth. From Him flows the truth. And, although there are times where truth is pretty, it is quite often stark and "right" as opposed to "wrong". Seriously, what happened?

Friend of Mine:

The 'truth,' as far as any of us knows, is as diverse and cosmically balanced as everything that apparently springs from it. Belief is where you choose to place your focus. We can totally have some coffee or food sometime and catch up if you want, it's been years! :)

Mysterious Facebooker:

It would be really nice to see you again! Would you like to meet up at the mall sometime? _____ (someone I don't know) and I would love to visit. BTW, although it would be nice to believe that truth is 'balanced', unknowable and therefore impossible to follow, it isn't so. The God who created both of us has placed a knowledge of the truth within us. It is up to us to either seek Him and His truth, or suppress it. Love ya!

Nitya Prem

I completely disagree with your statement. Not in God, as I do absolutely believe in the divine. I just don't think that we are able to comprehend everything that God is and it's almost an insult to bring God down to our level by referring to God as Him... or Her. God does not fall prey to matters as petty as sexuality so I don't believe we can rightly thrust a sex upon the divine presence. Unless it's Buddha or Jesus, but that's not really God either, just an expression of divinity in humanity. It's like saying all fruit are oranges. Not trying to make waves, just express how some people don't agree with the Christian dogma but are still good people with a great deal of faith.

Have a nice day :)

Mysterious Facebooker:

Nitya, there can be a difference between what we want/hope/believe and what is true. I can wake up tomorrow pretty darn sure that it will be raining pink poodles, but 'that don't make it so'. So what do you believe in? Other than a nebulous, sexless divinity? On what do you base this belief? On your belief that it is so? I believe in one God, theCreator of heaven and earth, the Savior of those who put their trust in Him, and the Judge of those who turn away from Him in this world. I base this belief on the evidence of a Creator and the Bible. I'm see no problem with you believing in a divinity or a pink poodle - just be darn sure you're right.

Nitya Prem

Well, I sure hope you're happy with your beliefs. I am with mine :)

Be well and godbless and all that jive!

Mysterious Facebooker:

But I was asking you a question! :) How can you know that what you believe is true, and not just "an undigested bit of beef", as Scrooge would say?

Nitya Prem

I'm not really willing to enter into this discussion as it would take way more time than I have to help you grasp the concepts I'm expressing without completely dashing your belief in ultimate truth from the one true God. I really don't want to destroy your belief system as I'm not sure your ready to openly entertain the idea of a different faith than your own that is also correct. I do not believe God would condemn the Christians that are not true to their faith and also most of the world that is not Christian. It makes no sense to me, I do not believe the world, or divine is that cruel.

So, have a nice day :) I'm logging off now.

Mysterious Facebooker:

I'll stop asking questions if you don't want to talk about it. But don't even begin to think I can't handle what you have to say w/o going all weak-kneed and losing trust in my God. Ain't gonna happen... but if you would rather think you're signing off for my sake - I'll play along. :)

I would like to take a moment and say that my intention is not to make her lose faith in her God, not by any means, I would be a horrible person. Everyone needs faith in something. What I was trying to do is STRENGTHEN her faith in God through showing her that God exists everywhere, not just in Christianity.

After reading her last bit, I feel a great sorrow for her close-mindedness. I want to reach out and tell her that I'm not trying to be condescending, I just believe differently, and so does most of the world and that's ok.

I wonder why people insist on others being wrong. It seems to me to be the greatest logical fallacy of our time that so many Christians honestly believe a God would send someone to Hell for not believing in one very specific and very narrow viewpoint. It continually baffles me that so many Christians continually (and self-righteously) condemn their neighbors, when God specifically says not only to, "honor thy neighbor," but also, "Judge not lest ye be judged." It strikes me, that they don't see their own gross hypocrisy.

Not to mention the fact that if God sent to Hell all those promised, not only would probably half of the Christians alive be condemned, but also most of the world. I thought God wasn't down with discrimination.

I'm sure so many people have made those points of which I was just speaking, they're easy.

What I really want to know is how come the Old God (Old testament, not New) is so wrathful. In many passages, the way he is portrayed is more akin to a description of the Great Horned One, then an all-creator, lifter-up of the down and out, or savior to anyone. Jesus talks about saving everyone, so why did God smite the vile Cities of Sodom and Gamorrah? Why did he send the floods to kill all of humanity except for Noah and his ark?

When we take these fables (no insult intended, but I consider them to be like Aesop), I think we're supposed to take a loose look at the actual story and then glean whatever meaning we can from them. Obviously the abovementioned are warning us against acting like assholes and the Tortoise and the Hare is to warn us against being lazy; but we're not supposed to believe that the Tortoise and Hare actually spoke and raced with eachother.

It's like all this, "holier than thou," nonsense enables people to see the forest for the trees, but not the trees for the forest.

LOOK AT THE FOREST!!!!

It loves you! and you and you and you and you and you and you and I... and EVERYONE!

myriad but not monday... well, technically it is

My sweet and I went to NYC for a business trip recently... It took up all the time between Halloween and Thanksgiving, with the preparation, recuperation and all.

I'd say that New York is amazing and brilliant and exciting and wonderful and I'm sure it is, to some people.

I gotta begin by sayin' that I ain't no small town thang. Now that we've got that covered...

It's big and huge and full and interesting and kinda scary and a little overwhelming. Then again, our business was in the Times Square area and we had no time to go exploring anywhere else. Me saying that I don't dig the Big Apple is like you saying that you hate apple pie when all you've tried is the crust. Unfair, I know; which is why I never said I didn't like it.

There was a bit of culture shock though, just a little. It's so full of people! More than Burning Man! and all crammed onto that little island of Manhattan with all the tourists and everything... crazy!

I was told that people in NYC are mean, rude, assholes, jerk-offs, you name it. I do believe, that I was misinformed by a great many people. I found that while they're not going to hang around and ask about your uncle's wife's cousins when you need directions, they will tell you where to go, how to get there and why you should be there. They will do this quickly, concisely and with a smile; which I found quite refreshing, because I didn't care to ask how their uncle's wife's cousin is doing either.

Amen to short and sweet.

Can I get a hallelujah?

That's right.

As I said, we were there on business... Adventure business! More specifically, my partner in both love and petty crime (not really the petty or the crime) is a custom treasure-hunt designer. That's right, people. Treasure hunts and adventures for the masses or the individual or 60 investment bankers. Some of it was confounding, some brilliant; it was a hoot, it was a holler and it was definitely an experience I'll never forget.

If I've piqued your curiosity and you have the bank for our bang, here's the website:

http://whimhunts.com/

Briefly, each adventure is custom tailored to fit the participant's own vision of action (or not)-packed fun. Oftentimes a participant doesn't even know they're getting a treasure hunt for their birthday... They're sitting at home when a strange knock, rap, rap, raps on the door. "Who might that be at this time? I'm not expecting anyone?" They answer and find a strange stranger who hands them their first clue... and it begins.

*note- that is but one of many fabulously intriguing ways to start a hunt- I can't go giving away all the secrets*

I'm certain I have some pictures somewhere...

Ah yes, the below image is an example of a visual clue wherein the participant knows the block it's on and gets to keep their eyes peeled until they see what's in the picture. Then they have a good idea of where to look for the next one.

*that is the last secret for free. If you'd like more, you can purchase your own Whim Custom Adventure here: whimhunts.com

Yeah, I know I'm a shameless promoter.

Peace!