Awhile ago I took this picture of a chalk drawing on the sidewalk. I liked it because it reminded me of a pretend television set. Did you ever pretend to watch tv as a child? I did, mostly when I was out and about at rainbow gatherings or somehow else out in the wilderness. This chalk drawing reminded me of when I used to pretend to watch television as a child....

I feel a little like that right now; like I'm trying to do something that doesn't need to be done and know it, but everybody else does so I should too.

I wonder sometimes about the necessity of, "getting along." Sometimes I try to get along with someone so hard that eventually it all blows up in my face and I feel I should have just told them to, "fuck off" to begin with... But everyone else seems to be alright with it, so I feel like I should too... until I get this knot in my stomach and it makes me cry and feel sad for weeks. I get hit by lightening bolts of rage that lead to vivid fantasies of someone not getting blown to bits. Every time I try to imagine gross harm afflicting someone ... I can't go through with it, even in my head, even if they're really really vile. Instead I stop it all and just hope that they find whatever it is that will allow them to be nice to people... and write blogs like this.

holiday.blooze

I'm trying to find the perfect synonym for the winter blues, those holiday wipe-outs that leave you feeling like you should be tied and bound, locked up with all the other Christmas Loonies in straight-jackets lamenting and cursing their Hallmark generation.

It's not that I'm trying to find meaning in the Holidays, I know there's meaning, tons of it on so many levels both meta and otherwise. I also understand that we've diluted most of that meaning into piles of presents and retail sales. Maybe it's some years ago Holiday trauma that's screwed my scrooge, or it could be years of service-industry slavery, possibly the lack of Sunshine up here far away from my Arizona soul (which was just as incomprehensible, mind you- she just smiles more in winter).

I'm not sure what's got my neck in a crank... Oh, wait, nevermind- I got that one, all over it. I almost succeeded in getting out of bed this past Monday, only to fall back, shrieking in agony at the twisting pain wrenching the length of my back, way deep up through my neck and straight into the skull... KABOOM... OUCH!... WHAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!

Yeah, that sucked. I got out of the house yesterday and got presents for people...

See? Even when I don't give a damn, I still care. I may have Christmas boo-hoo blues and I'll bitch about it on my blog... But I'll still get up off my broken-necked ass and buy some presents so that I can contribute to the amazing holiday retail extravaganza like everyone else.

I'm starting to feel like maybe I don't really feel this way, well I do... but also don't. There's probably a lot of guilt flashing around the screen right now, in shades of 001 01010 0110. Get that? It's a computer programmer joke, all the 1's and 0's 'cause that's how computers talk. I think. HA!

Anyhoo, I was talking about how there is a lot of guilt up there flashing through my bad jokes and waving around at the world. Not that I'll air all that up here, mind you. Never know who reads these things.

There's guilt about not staying in good touch with my family. Really, I hardly speak to my mom's side of the family, or my father's.

Although, my dad seems to call me more and has been a swell therapist when I call him crying because I think the world is crashing down on me again. He must be very patient.

I'd like to take a moment to state that I'm not actually insane. Everyone gets a little worked up sometimes and my dad's just the first one I call when I don't know what to do. He's got a lot of good advice because he's a Leo, like me. And my Aunt Debbie- Super inspiration, all the time! She sends me a lot of silly emails and I pretend like I don't like them, but they secretly make me all giddy inside and I'm happy to know she thinks of me. So, I'm not insane. This bloggy just happens to be where I get all the shit out so it doesn't stay inside, gobble me up and turn me into Mrs. Nutso McGhee.

Back to the family guilt- I'm sure other's get the same way, don't stay in touch with people as much as they "should" because they're to "busy." My mother would probably break in at this point with something about, "excuses." She's probably right, but what's writing without elaboration? See? I've gone and done it again!

So, I feel guilty, unproductive and kinda phooey. I also feel very lucky that people still seem to enjoy my company... please don't stop! I'm kinda useless right now, I know, believe me, I know... But I'm working on it. I'm really trying so hard to be productive and make a job for myself in these trying times. To get up on my feet so I can have everyone over for dinner parties all the time again- I miss that so much! I'm trying to maintain a balance inside so I can grow strong and learn how to thrive in my life, not just recover from it.

HUGS!

Oh the Religious Dogma Drama!

So, my friend started this facebook group called, the Church of Universal love. I'm not so keen on the Church thing, but I do love me some universal love! My name (not botticellibelle, the real one) is sanskrit for "eternal love," so it seems to be right up my alley. Now, I'm not saying that I'm taking this all very seriously or anything, mostly it all just flows right along with my belief in agape. I suppose that if I have a religion, that's it: agape.

Paolo Coelho has a little something to say about this too:

"Agape is total love, the love that devours those that experience it. Whoever knows and experiences Agape sees that nothing else in this world is of any importance, only loving. This was the love that Jesus felt for humanity, and it was so great that it shook the stars and changed the course of man’s history."

http://paulocoelhoblog.com/2009/03/27/the-three-forms-of-love-eros-philos-agape-2/

With these beliefs in mind, I came across this little bit on my friends' facebook page and (sorry, my friend!) couldn't keep my big trap shut!

I share this to give an example of the myriad ways that people believe and express those beliefs:

Mysterious Facebooker regarding the "Church of Universal Love":

So... you all get together once a week to hold hands and let the love of the universe flow through you? Come on _____ (friend of mine), don't think you can hold to that kind of prettily-wrapped shit for all of eternity. Time is eventually taken away and the truth will be known.

Friend of Mine:

Truth is beauty, and beauty truth.

Mysterious Facebooker:

Nope. Roses are beauty. St. John's clothing line is beauty. God is the Truth. From Him flows the truth. And, although there are times where truth is pretty, it is quite often stark and "right" as opposed to "wrong". Seriously, what happened?

Friend of Mine:

The 'truth,' as far as any of us knows, is as diverse and cosmically balanced as everything that apparently springs from it. Belief is where you choose to place your focus. We can totally have some coffee or food sometime and catch up if you want, it's been years! :)

Mysterious Facebooker:

It would be really nice to see you again! Would you like to meet up at the mall sometime? _____ (someone I don't know) and I would love to visit. BTW, although it would be nice to believe that truth is 'balanced', unknowable and therefore impossible to follow, it isn't so. The God who created both of us has placed a knowledge of the truth within us. It is up to us to either seek Him and His truth, or suppress it. Love ya!

Nitya Prem

I completely disagree with your statement. Not in God, as I do absolutely believe in the divine. I just don't think that we are able to comprehend everything that God is and it's almost an insult to bring God down to our level by referring to God as Him... or Her. God does not fall prey to matters as petty as sexuality so I don't believe we can rightly thrust a sex upon the divine presence. Unless it's Buddha or Jesus, but that's not really God either, just an expression of divinity in humanity. It's like saying all fruit are oranges. Not trying to make waves, just express how some people don't agree with the Christian dogma but are still good people with a great deal of faith.

Have a nice day :)

Mysterious Facebooker:

Nitya, there can be a difference between what we want/hope/believe and what is true. I can wake up tomorrow pretty darn sure that it will be raining pink poodles, but 'that don't make it so'. So what do you believe in? Other than a nebulous, sexless divinity? On what do you base this belief? On your belief that it is so? I believe in one God, theCreator of heaven and earth, the Savior of those who put their trust in Him, and the Judge of those who turn away from Him in this world. I base this belief on the evidence of a Creator and the Bible. I'm see no problem with you believing in a divinity or a pink poodle - just be darn sure you're right.

Nitya Prem

Well, I sure hope you're happy with your beliefs. I am with mine :)

Be well and godbless and all that jive!

Mysterious Facebooker:

But I was asking you a question! :) How can you know that what you believe is true, and not just "an undigested bit of beef", as Scrooge would say?

Nitya Prem

I'm not really willing to enter into this discussion as it would take way more time than I have to help you grasp the concepts I'm expressing without completely dashing your belief in ultimate truth from the one true God. I really don't want to destroy your belief system as I'm not sure your ready to openly entertain the idea of a different faith than your own that is also correct. I do not believe God would condemn the Christians that are not true to their faith and also most of the world that is not Christian. It makes no sense to me, I do not believe the world, or divine is that cruel.

So, have a nice day :) I'm logging off now.

Mysterious Facebooker:

I'll stop asking questions if you don't want to talk about it. But don't even begin to think I can't handle what you have to say w/o going all weak-kneed and losing trust in my God. Ain't gonna happen... but if you would rather think you're signing off for my sake - I'll play along. :)

I would like to take a moment and say that my intention is not to make her lose faith in her God, not by any means, I would be a horrible person. Everyone needs faith in something. What I was trying to do is STRENGTHEN her faith in God through showing her that God exists everywhere, not just in Christianity.

After reading her last bit, I feel a great sorrow for her close-mindedness. I want to reach out and tell her that I'm not trying to be condescending, I just believe differently, and so does most of the world and that's ok.

I wonder why people insist on others being wrong. It seems to me to be the greatest logical fallacy of our time that so many Christians honestly believe a God would send someone to Hell for not believing in one very specific and very narrow viewpoint. It continually baffles me that so many Christians continually (and self-righteously) condemn their neighbors, when God specifically says not only to, "honor thy neighbor," but also, "Judge not lest ye be judged." It strikes me, that they don't see their own gross hypocrisy.

Not to mention the fact that if God sent to Hell all those promised, not only would probably half of the Christians alive be condemned, but also most of the world. I thought God wasn't down with discrimination.

I'm sure so many people have made those points of which I was just speaking, they're easy.

What I really want to know is how come the Old God (Old testament, not New) is so wrathful. In many passages, the way he is portrayed is more akin to a description of the Great Horned One, then an all-creator, lifter-up of the down and out, or savior to anyone. Jesus talks about saving everyone, so why did God smite the vile Cities of Sodom and Gamorrah? Why did he send the floods to kill all of humanity except for Noah and his ark?

When we take these fables (no insult intended, but I consider them to be like Aesop), I think we're supposed to take a loose look at the actual story and then glean whatever meaning we can from them. Obviously the abovementioned are warning us against acting like assholes and the Tortoise and the Hare is to warn us against being lazy; but we're not supposed to believe that the Tortoise and Hare actually spoke and raced with eachother.

It's like all this, "holier than thou," nonsense enables people to see the forest for the trees, but not the trees for the forest.

LOOK AT THE FOREST!!!!

It loves you! and you and you and you and you and you and you and I... and EVERYONE!